Friday, August 30, 2002
That's right, $5,000 a week. Sound to good to be true?
And all you have to do is clip personal ads out of the newspaper, put them in envelopes, and burn them in a metal garbage can. And you, too, can earn $5,000 a week.
How can I afford to pay anyone $5,000 a week? Simple! Using a new metastatized technique called "lying." Simply put, this "lying" allows me to get you to work, and alows you to believe that very soon, you will receive FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS A WEEK for doing practically nothing!
Here's some testimonials:
"Before, I was unemployed and broke. Thanks to Liam McEneaney's fantastic 'lying' technique, I am sporadically employed and worth hundreds of thousands of dollars on paper. Thanks Liam!"
- Sheila R., Janesville, Wisconsin.
Sheila did it, and she's a morbidly obese housewife with a third-grade education. That's right, she can't read or write! You should find out where she lives and throw rocks at her house while taunting her!
Also, if you want to make TEN GRAND IN JUST ONE NIGHT you can kill my wife. She's, um, very sick anyway, so it's not like she's going to live much longer. It's one of those diseases where you seem very healthy and normal until you drop dead one day, you know? But seriously, I've met this woman in the secretarial pool, and um, that's not improtant. I'll be out of the house this Saturday "taking my kids to the movies," so if it'll be easy; she'll probably be at home on the couch, eating Haagen Dazs out of the container and masturbating to a Brad Pitt movie. Maybe she'll be on the phone with that hellion mother-in-law of mine, dissecting my flaws. Whatever, anyway, make TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS A WEEK. And if my friend Jerry was serious, you can have the opportunity to make FIFTEEN, MAYBE TWENTY GRAND MORE!
Look, forget that bullshit about the burning personal ads thing, okay? I just wanted to get a gauge on what kind of man you were, how desperate you were for work. I got a gun, no one can trace it, serial numbers filed off, see? I'll have a rock-solid alibi, you're from the next township over so's no one will suspect you. Just do my wife, please. I'll take care of you buddy. Seriously.