WORDS OF ADVICE FROM PLANT & PAGE
When life gives you nothing but lemons, squeeze those lemons until the juice runs down my leg.

MEET THE METS
I'm a big Mets fan. Someone has to do it.

* Right now the big news in the New York sporting world is that the Mets hit .500. That means they only lost half the games they played.
Any other job, if you fail half the time, you're going to get fired.

But people are saying, "The Mets are back!" because when you're a Mets fan, your expectations are so lowered you're just like, "You only lost half the games you played? Congrats! No wonder you charge fifty bucks for seats!"

* Mets advertising slogans are the worst. Right now their slogan is, "CATCH THE ENERGY!"
That's what you say to a Little League team: "Good energy guys! You almost won that one! Don't worry about missing that pop fly, Shane, you'll get it next time!"

A few years ago, their slogan was, "SHOW UP AT SHEA!"
What does that say? "You're looking for a quiet place to read? Show up at Shea! You won't be interrupted by lots of crowd noise and excitement."
"You don't even like baseball? Show up at Shea! You won't find any of that shit played here."

LOCAL NEWS
Local news shows around the country are crazy.

Last week I was in Chicago, and I caught a local morning news show. The anchor kept promising, "Coming up next, The Real Life Harry Potter."

And I was excited, see, because I know how just nuts anyone involved with local news is. I thought maybe the weatherman had finally snapped:
"I am the Great Wizard, Harry Potter! All bow before my mighty weather-wizard magic!"
"Uh, Charlie, you aren't - "
"Silence fool! You are now a pumpkin! Poof!"
"Charlie - "
"Shut up! You're a pumpkin, pumpkins can't talk!"

SO finally, the anchor said, "And here he is folks, the real life Harry Potter."
And an eighty-seven year-old man whose name is Harry Potter is shoved out onto camera. He's dressed in a wizard hat and gown. He looks a little lost.

And my first thought is; "How sad. This guy probably fought in World War II, and now he's being humiliated in front of literally hundreds of viewers."

And then my second thought is, "Who am I kidding? At this point in my career, I'd kill for getting shoved on-camera as a wizard. I'd shove a wand up my ass. Seriously, who's that guy's agent?"

HAPPY HOLIDAY
Enjoy the sun, while it's still healthy.

PLUG!
Want an off-beat look at NYC? Let comedy super-fan Marc previn show you the real New York.

I'M A NEW YORK SNOB
I'm from New York, which means that whenever I travel to another city, I have to immediately sneer at it.

I'm always like, "This is Boston, huh? Where's the rest of it."

Everything other cities have, New York has.
For instance, Chicago is proud of its football tem, the Bears.

Not only does New York have a football team, it's also home to the Jets.

LAST WEEK IN CHICAGO
I went to the top of the Sears Tower, the tallest building in North America. It affords a great view of all of Chicago, if that's your idea of a great view.
It was basically a fantastic view of nothing.

You can see as far away as four states. Which means that you can see that there's nothing going on in Wisconsin, either.

There's a series of books by Stephen King, The Dark Tower. It's about a post-apocalyptic wasteland crawling with evil nasties, in the center of which is a Dark Tower.
That would have been a better view from the top than the Sears Tower.

IN ILLINOIS, A SIGN READS:
"The Illinois State Highway Alcohol Level is .08"
And I thought, "I'd better start drinking."

Talk about drivers that know how to party!

IN ILLINOIS
There's a sign: "The Illinois State Highway Blood Alcohol Level is .08."
And I thought, "I'd better start drinking to catch up."

I knew there was an Official State Bird, and An Official State Flower.
But I didn't know there could be an Official State Okay-You've-Had-Enough-I'm-Cutting-You-off.

WINGIN' IT
I was flying on the plane ,and I had a seat that overlooked the wing.

And I noticed that on the wing, someone had painted a sign: "DO NOT STEP HERE."

I thought that was a given. I mean, why are you stepping on the wing in the first place? Did the reservation agent sell you "a seat with a really good view"?

Who the hell is climbing on the wing that has to be told not to step on it? I imagine there's a mechanic on the tarmac: "Hey! You kids get down from there! How many times have I told you not to play on the wing? Now go play in the wheel-well until we're ready to go home."

STEAK THROUGH THE HEART
My first night I stayed at the Doubletree Club in Des PLains, Illinois. A good hotel and I recommend it highly, should you ever need to stay near Chicago.

I think I may have the answer to the question, "Why is America so fat?"

Across the street from the Doubletree was a fast-food restaurant called "Steak n' Shake."
Their specialty? A thick delicious steak washed down by a thick delicious shake.

How did this get invented? Was someone lying in their specially-reinforced bed, saying, "Man I'd love to go out and get a steak. But I'd to have the paramedics use their jaws of life to get me out of the car twice so I can also go to McDonald's and get a shake. If only there was one place where I could get both."

I think the next logical step would be the "Steak Shake." They just puree a steak into a thick delicious shake, and then inject it directly into your arteries, which is where it's all going anyway.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING FREAKY
Try listening to Johnny Cash's Hurt while descending through a cloud.

(The link is to the video. It's like The Passion of the Christ for music nerds.)

MY BIG TRIP TO CHICAGO
I flew out of LaGuardia airport in NYC.

They have a big sign out on the runway: "WELCOME TO NEW YORK."

What if you're leaving. I think they should have another, bigger sign:
"SO LONG SUCKER! GUESS WHO'S GOT YOUR WALLET?"

WHEN THE PLANE IS MOVING DOWN THE RUNWAY
The captain tells you that it's "taxiing."
I'm a native New Yorker. That's not a reassuring thing word to use.

When I hear the word "taxi," I imagine the captain leaning out of the cockpit: "Motherfucker! Can't you see we're trying to take off?
"Hold on my friend, I'm going to cut that Pan Am jet off at the next intersection. Oh shit, we've been pulled over by a cop."

"Why are we driving up 23rd St.?"
- "It's a short cut."
"I'm going to Detroit."
- "Trust me my friend, I cut five minutes off your flight."

PHONE HOME
When the plane's going to take off, they warn you to turn off your cell phone, because it interferes with the plane's operation.

I heard this and thought, "We're all gonna die."

Because I've been to the movies and no matter how many times they warn you and warn you and warn you, there's always going to be one asshole who not only leaves his cell-phone on, but when it goes off, he lets it ring about eight times - and then answers it.

I know I'm going to die on a flight with this guy. He'll be on his phone:
"I'm on a plane. No, a PLANE. I think it's crashing. Hold on, I can barely hear you over the - oh there, the engine cut out. Now, what did you say? No, my plane is crashing."

Okay these are airplane jokes. So sue me. Take me somewhere on a riverboat and I'll write the best damned riverboat jokes you've ever heard.

CHICAGO-BOUND
I'm going to be out of town for a few days. Don't worry, I'll be back soon with my patented brand of off-center self-pity.

So here's your blog entries for the rest of the week:

WEDNESDAY

ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
You've got to be careful when you leave an outgoing message, because sometimes it says more than you think it will.

Like, if your message is your three kids saying "We're not home right now, leave a message" in unison, you're really telling people, "I make my kids do things over and over until they're right. I have OCD and everyone else must suffer."

Or if you're message has a soundtrack and a funny line and special efffects, you're saying, "I am very lonely. The time I save not having friends means more time to construct this message."

I had a friend whose outgoing message was the "Bring out the gimp" scene from Pulp Fiction.
I was like, "So you're outgoing message is a famous man-rape scene? I think I've got that whole you-can'tget-a-job thing figured out."

THURSDAY

THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON I LEARNED AS A KID
is something I learned from my mom: There are questions where there's two different kinds of answers. The correct answer and the right answer.

For instance, my mom would ask, "Do you want me to clean up after you for the rest of your life?"
Now the correct answer is, "Yes. Yes I do. That's a great idea."
But the right answer was, "No mom."

I didn't learn that for a long time. My mom would always ask me these question that I thought were incredibly obvious:
"Is this how you want your room to look?"
Of course. I spent months leaving stuff all over the floor. That's why I did it, that's how I wanted it to look.

"Do you think I'm your maid?"
Apparently, the right answer this question is not, "No, if you were my maid you'd be giving me a lot less back-talk."

Oh you can say that. Just don't expect to be saying much of anything else, 'less you want to talk with a speech impediment.
You'll be talking funny for a week:"Mum mum mum."
"You got anything else funny to say?"
"Mi muess mot."

You'll end up in special ed. "Oh, he isn't retarded. He just thought he'd get funny."

And so on. This is a little messy, but I think there's something funny here.

FRIDAY

LOVE SICK
My roommate and I were sick last week.
I was sickest Thursday night, and I knew enough to rent Major League.

Major League is the perfect movie to rent when you're not feeling well. It doesn't really have "complex characters" or "involved story lines" or "any kind of ideas" behind it whatsoever. In short, you can take three different over-the-counter medications, let your brain slip into Dimension NyQuil, and the movie is just as easy to follow and makes just as much sense as it ever did.

But here's the point: My roommate rented Love Actually.

If you've never seen it, it's apparently a science ficton movie that takes place in an alternate universe where Hugh Grant and Liam Neeson can't get women to go out with them.

I'm not kidding. The central question in the movie is: Will Hugh Grant and Liam Neeson ever get laid?

And Liam Neeson's character also has an adorable son that he lavishes love and affection on. Women hate that. A ruggedly handsome guy with a brogue and an adorable son? Anyone who's ever spent two minutes on Nerve.com knows that single guys like that are a dime-a-dozen.
By the way, Happy Opposite Day.

The real problem with this movie is that the cast (and excuse my French here) regularly turns away more pussy than the ASPCA.
Excuse me again, but they collectively turn away more ass than Dr. Weinrib, Proctologist to the Stars.

Do you know why Liam Neeson doesn't get laid more? Because he doesn't want to.

Do you know why Hugh Grant was caught with a hooker*? He was so successful with women, it got boring for him.
Boring! Do you know what bores me? Computer solitaire. Because I spend a lot of time alone.

Bitter much, Liam?
Of course. In the Battle of the Sexes, I'm that Iraqi dude being held on a leash by Private England.

In the game of love, I'm the half-cracked pawn sitting on the sidelines, watching the penny put in to take his place.
I was going to continue this metaphor and say "watching it get turned into a full-fledged queen," but then I chose not to. That wouldn't bother me so much.

If love is a battlefield, I'm No-Man's land. If love is a prison, I'm The Man in the Iron Mask. If love stinks, then I'm Pepe LePew.

This movie is an insult to ugly guys everywhere. I want to star in a movie where the first five minutes is Hugh Grant complaining that he can't get a woman to look twice at him. Then I step in and beat the shit out of him for the next ninety minutes.

I would call it, "Things Could Be Worse, Asshole."


* Divine Brown, true-crime buffs.

I GAVE BLOOD TODAY
Not out of the goodness of mheart.
I just can't afford an AIDS test.

Boo!

LOSIN' MY RELIGION
Someone asked me the difference between an agnostic and an atheist.

An agnostic hates his parents.
An atheist never plans to forgive them.

or

An agnostic only plans to hate his parents for a few years.
An atheist plans to hate his parents forever.

CALL YOUR FAVORITE BAIL BONDSMAN
This Wednesday I've been invited to participate in an anti-war rally, where I'll apparently be singing Phil Ochs' "I Ain't Marchin' Anymore."

I've never had an FBI file before. How exciting.

MY UNCLE LIONEL WAS A FAILED INVENTOR
His big invention was when he made Stop signs in Braille.

The NYC Dep't of Transportation pulled them after six months and ninety casualties.

I HAD SOME SODA TODAY
The bottle cap said, "You are a loser."

That didn't bother me until I noticed there was no contest attached.

Ouch.

YOUR FIVE-DAY FORECAST
From the The Liam McEneaney Experience Weather Center
September 14th, 2004
Rainy, slight drizzle, with the chance of thunderstorms. Temperatures high in the 50s.

October 19th, 2014
Flooding, with ice caps melting. Temperatures high in the 110s.
At night, the cold winds carry the desert sands that still cover most major cities in the plains.
Cloud cover brings more alien invaders, so don't forget your shotgun, and leave yoru kids in a safe place!

Mamtovar 43rd, 2089
The simultaneous return of every predicted messiah brings gusts of frogs, with occasional rains of locusts, eggbeaters, and the wrath of several angry and vengeful gods.

Clickclickclick, rub, 4089
Complete ozone depletion means a record high 243 degrees, perfect sunbathing weather for all you giant mutant cockroaches. Occasional acid rain, so if you're going to bathe in the patroleum seas, I suggest you bring a raincoat.

The Predicted Time of the Ancients, 17072
The red sun burns it final breath, before extinguishing into a large black cinder. This means cold! cold! cold! weather coming, so make sure you bundle up and stock up on firewood.

CHECK OUT MY BEST-SELLING DATING BOOK
Everything I Ever Needed to Know About Women I Learned from Leisure Suit Larry.

THIS GUY TOLD ME
"I'm allergic to anesthesia."

I said, "What if you have to have surgery?"

He said, "No, I won't die. I just get sick for a few days afterwards."

Really? I kind of thought that that was what surgery was.

Of course, after my last surgery, I had that common side effect where the anesthesia made everything taste like chocolate ice cream.

THE OTHER NIGHT
I got into a "nerd-off" with a friend.

Here's a tip - no matter how nerdy you think you might be, don't ever try to take this nerd down.

I have been to a Dr. Who convention.

I have over 200 episodes of Dr. Who on tape in my apartment. I have seen them all mroe than once. Several I have seen more than twice.
(To be fair, I really haven't watched it since I was 12.)

IO could go on, but any serious challenger should know that I can end a sentence with the phrase, "...and after the sci-fi convention, my dad and I went to a Star Trek murder mystery dinner."

Yes. You read that correctly.

I don't feel the need to defend myself.

SO MY EX GAVE ME A JOKE
A couple weeks ago, we were hanging out and she said, "I wrote a great joke, but I don't do stand-up so you can use it."

When she told me the joke, I said it probably wouldn't be right for my act. Then we got into a little argument about that. Apparently, I don't "take risks" the way I should.

So last night I took her to an open mic and did the joke, just to prove that - whether or not it's funny - I'm probably not the best guy to tell it.

Afterwards, she said, "You didn't set it up right."

Here's the joke:

I'm an old-fashioned guy. I like to pay for the whole abortion.

I NEED AN INTERVENTION
Oh, I'm not an alcoholic. I just love surprise parties.

I've never had a surprise party. Although when I was a kid once, I did have a surprise no-party.

If you want to throw a real surprise party, do it three weeks after your friend's birthday. Especially office surprise parties.

The problem with office suprise parties is that it's not really surprising.
* I know it's my birthday.
* And I know that when some secretary says, "Hey Liam, can I see you in the conference room," at lunch time, it's not to go over annual reports: "Hmm, you're leading me into a dark room with flickering candles. Gee, are we going to sacrifice a baby? Make sweet love in the office hot tub? I am dying from the suspense."

So if you want to really suprise the guy, say, "Hey Ted. Got some bad news. We're going to have to let you go. Come into my office and SURPRISE! Happy birthday. Security got you something - a box full of the stuff from your desk. You have ten minutes to get out."

FOR MOTHER'S DAY
We took my mom to the race track. Why? Because we weren't sure if the OTB's open on a Sunday.

I got her the best gifts: A battered Fedora and a cigar.

Saturday I went to a Mets game. I was wearing my official NYPD hat, and a cop gave me a free $60.00 1st base field box ticket.

Good thing I wasn't wearing my official NWA "Fuck Tha Police" shirt.

I SAW A GUY HOLDING A MOTORCYCLE HELMET UNDER HIS ARM
And all I could think was, "All right. I get it. You have a very small penis."

DO THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE THE BACKS OF VIDEO BOXES EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH?
I saw this description of a comedy:
"The miraculous mirth-master will have your sides split and leave you in stitches!"

And I thought: Hmm. The last time someone split my side and left me in stitches, I'd just had my appendix removed.

Don't get me wrong. It was a relief. But I don't know if I'd call it "hilarious."

In fact, I wan't 100% sure what kind of comedy would want to be known as leaving you nauesous and happy it's over.

Then I saw that it starred Pauly Shore.

THE END

PEOPLE GET REALLY MAD WHEN YOU PARK IN THE HANDICAPPED SPOT
Apparently, "social handicaps" don't count.

Of course, it's hard to explain when you have a social handicap. You just end up avoiding eye contact and stammering a lot.

I'd run a series of PSAs on the subject, but it would be a forty minute commercial, where the first thirty minutes is me getting up the nerve to address the audience, and the last ten minutes is me accidentally offending everyone.

And that, dear friends, is The Socially Handicapped Joke.

MY INEPTITUDE W/ THE LADIES
has historical precedent.

This is true:
When I was a young tyro, my friend's older sister asked me if I wanted to "play doctor."

So we went to the basement of her house; first I made her pretend to sit in a "waiting room." Then I had her breathe in and out while I listened to her heart with a pretend stethoscope.

Then she got upset with me and left.

Of course, this not only proves that I'm an idiot, but also that I am a master improvisor.

I WAS WATCHING FAMILY FEUD
And I want to create my own game show and call it "Family Fight!"

The way it would work is, you would invite a family on the show. Get them to sit down, have dinner, give everyone a drink or eight.

Then get them into a fight. And the last family member to stay out of the fight wins.

It would be the world's first fifteen second game show.

"How many people said 'Your daughter's prom dress made her look like a whore?' Grandma says, THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!"

OKAY
You hear a lot about "beer goggles," where a guy is out drinking and he's so drunk that he doesn't notice the woman he's going home with is ugly.

No one talks about a similar experince I've had called "beer plugs," and that's where you're so drunk you don't let yourself hear all the awful things the woman you're with at a bar is saying.

Like she says, "I have my dad's name tattooed on my ass."
But all you hear is "Let me show you my ass!"

Or she says, "My ex-boyfriend had me arrested for stalking him."
But all you hear is, "I'm single!"

Or she says, "I studied a lot of history, and Hitler was rgiht."
But all you hear is, "Make out with me!"

SHOW TO SEE
Tuesday, May 4th
The Liam & Becky Fun-Time Happiness Hour
At the PIT Theater.
154 W 29th St
RESERVE: 212 563 7488
8:00pm - $10.00

With
Craig Baldo (Premium Blend, Late Friday)
Margaret Dodge (chanteuse of the Lower East Side)
Becky Donohue (Tough Crowd, Premium Blend)
Liam McEneaney (Premium Blend)
James Patterson (Premium Blend)
Eddie Pepitone (Jimmy Kimmel Live, The King of Queens)
Karen Sneider (the voice of Rocket J. Squirrel and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)
AND MORE!!!!

THE LESS-BELOVED WORKS OF FRANK SHAKESPEARE, WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE'S YOUNGER BROTHER

Sledgehamlet: Clown Prince of Denmark!
When Sledgehamlet takes the stage, he's going to be demolishing the foibles of Elizabethan life, dress, courtly manner, and yes, the occasional watermelon!
With his trademark novelty oversize props, including The Nine Inch Codpiece ("For the gentleman angler whose bait hath been underserved by his Lord") and The Crown Prints of Skidmark, for ladies of court who find washing their lords' underthings a true chore.
And of course, the world-famous, "To be or not to be ... smashing watermelon!" fruit-flyin' finale!
Whether you're eight or eighty, Sledgehamlet is an evening you will not likely forget!

Smack!beth
Something wicked this way comes when Smack!beth, on the eve of being crowned King of the Ring in Scotland's Grapplemania! XXIV, finds himself under the spell of the Three Witch Sisters Flying Tag Team. His manager, Lady Smack!Beth, has been forced "out - out of the damn spotlight" when she hits Lord MacMahon with a folding chair during The UnderBout. With time - and his patience - running out, Lord Smack!beth must fight insidious supernatural forces that conspire to take his belt as well as his crown.

The Three Gentlemen of Verona and a Baby
When three mismatched merchants find themselves sharing custody of a little girl, any one of them might be her father. It could be Lascivious, the ladies' man; Albisnis, the hard-nosed moneychanger, or Gutenberg - the bland one who, through a horrible curse of the Fates, was born without a personality. Hilarity ensues as "we bachelors three, committed to a life of gaiety carefree" find themselves changing diapers, changing bottles, and changing their lives.

The Merchant of Penis
One of the Elizabethan period's most popular plays, running for almost thirty years, it's the age-old story of Macky-Bear the Jewish Pimp (or "honeychanger," as they were refferred to then). The running theme of anti-semitism has made this one of Frank Shakespeare's most controversial plays (as well as it's less-regarded if equally successful sequel, The Taming of the Jew). It does have the memorable, "If you touch my prick, does it not bleed sticky mess?" soliloquy.

HERE'S A FUN SITE
This chicken will do anything you tell it to.

For extra weird fun, command it to:
discuss the war in iraq

It does something truly odd.

I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH THIS GUY
(from the NY Daily News' "Voice of the People" Letters to the Editor section)

Queens Village: To Voicer Cindi Williams, Elton John and all the "American Idol" critics: How can any levelheaded person cry racism when half of the six contestants left in the competition are black? Does every white or nonblack on the show have to be eliminated for it to be fair? Give me a break. It's just a television program.

Joe Puccio

BABIES
Do you know why babies are so adorable? Because if they weren't, we'd eat them.

Babies poop and they scream all the time. If I said to you, "Here's a pet dog. The law says you can't just give it away. You have to feed it, change it, clothe it, carry it around, and by the way it'll just howl and howl and howl," you'd punch me in the face.

It's not fair, this biology. I want the choice of being allowed not to like babies, but I can't. Babies are adorable!

OVERHEARD YESTERDAY
"I said 'motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker.' You know how I do, with the 'motherfucker' a thousand times."

THE HUMAN RACE NEVER CEASES TO ASTOUND ME
There's a street fair in my neighborhood today. Apparently, the Rego Park Community Board said, "This neighborhood's okay, but it needs more carnies."

I saw one stand selling Fried Oreos. Fried Oreos.

Did Oreos need to be even less healthy for you? Were your arteries not congealing fast enough?

The sad thing is, I'm sure they're the most delicious thing ever.