Friday, July 30, 2004
Apparently you could do that on televsion. Because I used to watch it on television.
It should have been called, "You Can Do That On Television, but Probably Shouldn't Because It Isn't Funny."
Bush is saying that John Kerry "flip-flops" too much.
And Bush doesn't flip-flop at all.
When he lies, he sticks to that lie.
Even when it's proven false, he never ever wavers from that lie.
I will be 28 years old. Unless you're in the "industry," in which case I will be turning 19. Or 17.
The great thing about turning 28 is you start to cross that threshhold between "struggling artist" and "bitter failure."
Or do you? Let's take a quick look at some other artists, and when they started to be successful:
GRANDMA MOSES: Didn't sell her first painting until she was eighty. Verdict: I beat her by fifty-two years.
BEETHOVEN: Didn't make his first public debut until he was twenty-five. Verdict: He beat me by three years, but which one of us was on basic cable? (Me.)
BILLY JOEL: Didn't win his first Tony until he was fifty-five*. Verdict: Everybody loses.
Join us on Monday for fun and games.
Or at least games.
And prize giveaways.
MONDAY, AUG. 2nd
Get Up Stand-Up - The Liam McEneaney Birthday Slamjamboree!
The Flat Lounge 16 1st Ave (Between 1st & 2nd Streets)
DOORS: 8:00 (Promptness implies seatititude)
Host: Liam McEneaney (28 years old)
* Patrick Borelli (Comedy Central's Premium Blend)
* Sean Conroy (Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, writer/performer - CrossBalls)
* Eric Drysdale (2x Emmy-winning writer, The Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart)
* Christian Finnegan ("Tough Crowd" writer, preparing for his Comedy Central Presents 1/2-hour special)
* Jon Friedman (ECNY winner, Best Writer)
* Amanda Melson (touring comedian)
* Paul Sullivan (HBO's The Curse of the Bambino, directed "First Time Caller" w/ Chris Elliot, Patrick Warburton, and Fred Willard)
Hang out afterwards in the downstairs lounge for after-party action!
*Age according to the bio on the official Billy Joel website.
THEN STICK AROUND FOR A FREE OPEN MIC
Mic Chek*: an Anything-Goes Open Mic
* A common ground for diverse expression.
11:00 Monday Nights at the Flat
'Mic Chek' is the newest and hottest open mic showcase in NYC.
All are welcome, perfomers are encouraged to bring their own instruments, .dats, &samples. Bring your voice!
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
My uncle invented the first silencer for a gun.
It was called a "shusher."
It didn't really quiet the shot, but every time a gun was fired it would go: "SHHHH! I'm watching a movie!"
I was riding on the bus a while ago, and I overheard two high school girls talking.
One said, "I rented this great old movie the other night. It was old, but it was really good."
The other said, "Oh, what was it?"
And the first one said, "Back to the Future."
And the second one said, "I've never heard of it."
All I could think was, "Now come on, that movie's only - ALMOST TWENTY YEARS OLD! Holy crap. I'm an old man."
I caught myself thinking, "Man these kids today with their movies. In my day, the sex and violence in PG-13 movies was really toned down. We had a little thing called plot and dialogue. I mean, not in the movies I liked, but I think Out of Africa did. I heard it did. I should rent that some time."
Friday, July 23, 2004
GET UP STAND-UP!
16 1st Ave (btwn 1st / 2nd)
F Train to 2nd Ave, get out at the 1st Ave. entrance
Doors: 8:00pm (ARRIVE PROMPTLY AS SEATS GO FAST)
Show: 8:30pm Cover: $5.00
WITH YOUR HOST:Liam McEneaney
AND OUR GUESTS:
* Matt Besser (founding member - Upright Citizens' Brigade, creator/writer/star - Comedy Central's "Crossballs")
* Todd Levin (writer, The Modern Humorist, McSweeney's)
* Eugene Mirman (Premium Blend, Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, ECNY winner, "Best Male Comedian")
* Bob Powers (www.girlsarepretty.com)
* Bryan Tucker (writer, Tough Crowd w/Colin Quinn, The Chris Rock Show)
* Victor Varnado (Premium Blend, and the movies "End of Days" and "Pluto Nash")
The Hazzards (www.hazzards.com) - their single "Gay Boyfriend" debuted at #67 on the British charts, ahead of some song by Seal
PRODUCED BY ANGELA BOWERS & LIAM McENEANEY
Thursday, July 22, 2004
The Doodys are the official Faggot Family. NO LIE!
It doesn't come back.
I'm a big guy. But I'm not a scary big guy.
So I decided to take martial arts, so I could learn to defend myself.
I enrolled in a class. The first day, the karate instructor took out a board and said, "Watch me class..."And he went "HEEE-YAH!" and broke the board with his bare hand.
Then he took out a brick and went "HEE-YAH!" and broke the brick with his bare hand.
And I said, "Excuse me, sir, I'm sure that that's very handy if I'm ever attacked by a house. but what about if I'm attacked by a person?"
And he said, "The point is to focus your energy. You learn karate, so that you may never use it."
And I said, "What kind of a scam is that?" I don't want to be walking down some street and get mugged and have to say, "Look out! I may or may not know kung fu! I'm about to either kill you, or bleed a lot!"
But I stuck with the class, and by graduation I had earned a black-and-blue belt.
That meant that my secret move is, if I'm ever in a fight, I know how to cry until the other guy feels awkward and leaves.
Monday, July 19, 2004
And I saw two signs along the street that "Funeral Procession, One Block Down To The Left."
And I'm thinking, "I've been to more than one funeral. There was never any confusion over where the procession was going to be."
Does this home throw secret after-parties for the funeral? "Show up for Funeral - Open Bar Procession in Unnamed Location."
Or is it just so someone can walk down the street and say, "Man, I haven't been in a funeral procession in a long time. Let me get a hearse and join this party!"
Some people are saying that Martha Stewart got off (huh huh) too easy because she was only sentenced to five months jail, five months house arrest.
They're saying, "House arrest? Her house is too nice."
Yeah, but what they don't understand is, she's been sentenced to living five months alone with Martha Stewart.
That's cruel and unusual. They should call the ACLU on that one.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Get Up Stand-Up
The Flat Lounge 16 1st Ave
(Between 1st & 2nd Streets)
8:30 - $5.00
Host: Liam McEneaney (Comedy Central's Premium Blend)
* MIKE BIRBIGLIA (Late Show w/ David Letterman, Late Night w/ Conan O’Brien, Comedy Central Presents 1/2 hour special)
* DUBOUCHET & REISMAN ( 2004 Backstage; 10 Comics Worth Watching. )
* RITCH DUNCAN (Editor, Jest Magazine, writer Tough Crown w/ Colin Quinn)
* BRIAN KILEY (writer Late Night w/ Conan O’Brien, The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno )
* LAURIE KILMARTIN (Premium Blend, writer - Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn)
* TOM McCAFFREY (Comedy Central’s Premium Blend )
* ROB PARAVONIAN (Premium Blend, VH1)
+ We will be raffling off copies of the YOU GOT SERVED SPECIAL EDITION DVD
Join us for a drink at the after-party downstairs in the lounge immediately after the show.
Produced by Angela Bowers & Liam McEneaney
DON'T FORGET TO STICK AROUND FOR
Mic Chek: an Anything-Goes Open Mic
* A common ground for diverse expression.
11:00 - FREE
'Mic Chek' is the newest and hottest open mic showcase in NYC. All are welcome, perfomers are encouraged to bring their own instruments, .dats, & samples. Bring your voice!
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Whoopi Goldberg was recently fired as the spokeswoman for SlimFast for making jokes about Bush at Radio City Music Hall.
Which really shocked me because - I had no idea Whoopi Goldberg was the spokeswoman for SlimFast. I mean, how ineffective was that advertising campaign?
They must have been bargain-hunting in the celebrity store to get Whoopi Goldberg.
I mean, I'm not in the world's greatest shape, but Whoopi Goldberg - a spokeswoman for dieting? Shouldn't you drop a couple pounds before you pitch a product designed to help lose weight?
What was SlimFast's message? "You want to lose weight. But not too much weight. You don't want to be unhealthy."
Maybe they could hire Mary-Kate Olsen.
POLITICAL SATIRE IS DEAD, ANYWAY
What's the point of joking about politics any more, anyway?
Colin Powell was at a Secretary of State dinner in Asia a couple weeks ago, and he dressed up as one of the Village People, and he sang "YMCA."
I did not dream that. It really happened in reality.
Reality wins. I can't think up a joke like that. If Saturday Night Live wrote a sketch like that, it would never make it to air because no one would ever believe he would do that.
It's getting to be like the Bush Administration is daring the American Public to not vote for them:
"Yeah, we dress up like the Village People, yeah we tell Senators to go fuck themselves. Yeah, we give fake reasons to send our young men and women to war, and when we're caught lying, we don't even think we should apologize. What are you gonna do? You gonna vote John Kerry? C'mon, baby, you gonna cry to Kerry? I dare ya. I double dare ya."
If Bush forms a Bowie cover band, we're all gonna die.
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Why do people always start a guessing game with the phrase, "I bet you can't guess..."
Like, "I bet you can't guess who I ran into today."
And then they get upset when you believe them:
I don't know. Santa Claus.
"No, guess for real."
I give up.
"Charlie from shipping."
I don't know Charlie from shipping.
"I told you you wouldn't guess."
Congratulations, asshole. You were right.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
But the problem is that I've become extremely indifferent to current events outside of how the NY Mets are doing.
The problem is that I can't find too much funny about, say, a pointless war where hundreds of young Americans - not to mention thousands of Iraqis - are dead.
Unless maybe they fought with pies. That would be pretty funny.
But since they're not fighting with pies - AS FAR AS THE SO-CALLED "INDEPENDENT MEDIA" IS TELLING US - I'm finding it hard to laugh about all the scandals surrounding the Presidency.
Clinton getting caught getting blowjobs was funny. In fact, now that I think about it, the problem may just be that Bush is not the kind of guy who goes around getting random blowjobs, period. No wonder he's so tense. No wonder we're going to war all the time. The guy is a born-again Christian, and is fundamentally opposed to receiving blowjobs.
In fact, if Bush promised that starting in 2005, he would make a weekly quota of random blojobs and meet it, I might consider voting for the guy. He'd be looser. A lot more willing to negotiate with other countries:
CHIRAC: Mr. President -
BUSH: What up?
CHIRAC: Uh, we believe that your two-week deadline for Syria to turn over documents pertaining to their so-called nerve gas program is completely ludicrous.
BUSH: Ahhh, you're right. What the hell. I - oh, that's good.
CHIRAC: What's good?
BUSH: Um, nothing. Look, I've got to go. Do you want me to say hi to your mother for you?
CHIRAC: Darn you, President Bush. You've zinged me again!
The problem is that the election would then become Kerry vs. blowjobs.
I'd hate to be in the booth tomorrow and have to make that choice:
"Hmm, I agree with Kerry's proposed overhaul of the tax code. But on the other hand, oh man..."
I hereby apologize for the above post.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Today I was riding home on the E train, thinking about how lucky I was to have snagged a seat. The crowd in front of me parted, and across from was a large, dozing guy. He wakes up and looks across at me and says, "Excuse me. I'm an artist, and you look like Bilbo Baggins the Hobbit. You know, from the Hobbit cartoon?"
Which is excusable, because it just meant the guy noticed some pretty obvious things about me:
1) I'm about 3'2.
2) I have freakishly large feet.
3) Although I myself am not magical, I am constantly surrounded by magical creatures and adventures.
He continued: "Have you seen it? It was on Channel 13 all the time. There was a part where Gandalf says, 'Now is the time for a great adventure young Hobbit. And Bilbo Baggins says, 'Adventures are not for hobbits like I. All we want is our bacon and eggs. Etcetera etcetera" - like a machine winding down.
And then he went back to sleep.
And he actually said "Etcetera etcera," because it's such a great story, I'd hate to have it interrupted halfway through with a junkie nod, leaving me with ever so many questions like, "What other foods did Bilbo want? Toast? Muffins? Juice? Did Gandalf manage to talk him into having the adventures, or did he say, 'Hmmm, he's right. Hobbits don't like adventure. Better find an adventurer person. Maybe Link from the Legend of Zelda.'"
Anyway, I realized that passing out is the best way to avoid ending an awkward conversation. That's why, next time I'm at a party and I'm in one of those endless conversations that turns out to be about interest rates, I'm going to tie myself off right there and inject myself in the arm:
"Yeah, the interesting thing about the works of Richard Linklater is etcetera etcera *SNORE*"
Friday, July 09, 2004
Get Up Stand-Up
The Flat Lounge
16 1st Ave (Between 1st & 2nd Streets)
8:30 - $5.00
Liam McEneaney (Comedy Central's Premium Blend)
* Leo Allen - (Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, writer - Saturday Night Live)
* Andres DuBouchet - (Backstage's 2004 "10 Comics Worth Watching")
* Ophira Eisenberg - (touring comedian, clubs & colleges)
* Christian Finnegan - (Comedy Central Presents 1/2 hr special, writer - Tough Crowd/ Colin Quinn)
* Jessi Klein - (Premium Blend, VH1 Best Week Ever, ECNY winner)
* Brody Stevens (The Late Late Show w/ Craig Kilborn, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, and in town to tape a hidden camera prank show)
And the sketch stylings of
MEAT - (ECNY Nominee, Best Sketch Group)
Produced by Angela Bowers & Liam McEneaney
Time Out NY pegged it this week as a "DON’T MISS..."
"Liam McEneaney’s new stand up night is promising. Especially with the all star cast he’s procured to christen it. (His new show has) one hell of a lineup on its inaugural night. Smash the bottle of champagne* with..."
ALSO - RAFFLE MADNESS!
Looking for a new apartment?
David Feldman (the broker who won't make you broker) of Citi Habitats (the company that's Keeping it Real...Estate) is offering $1500 off of the regular fee on a new rental to ONE LUCKY WINNER. Sign up to win each and every Monday.
* NO ACTUAL CHAMPAGNE WILL BE SERVED
Thursday, July 08, 2004
My roommate's out of town.
In a way, it's like we're both on vacation:
She's on vacation from the city, and I'm on vacation from wearing pants.
You heard me, ladies.
That would either make a terrible T-shirt, or an awesome kids' action-adventure cartoon.
I listened to the casts of 42nd St. and Bombay Dreams, but I had to leave when the cast of Mamma Mia! The ABBA Musical hit the stage.
That's the musical that has songs by ABBA strung together in some ridiculous plot.
That should be called "My Cool Mix-Tape: The Musical."
When I was fifteen, I made a pretty cool mix-tape too, but I didn't charge anyone ninety bucks to listen to it. I guess I missed out.
Cover bands are hilarious.
Especially cover bands that play Pink Floyd and Bruce Springsteen and the Stones. Because last time I checked, my radio had a classic rock station. Any time I want to hear Steely Dan, I can turn that on, and there's a fifty percent chance I'll be hearing all those songs.
If I want to listen to Pink Floyd, I'll play my Pink Floyd CDs. The only difference is, if my Pink Floyd CDs sounded like that, I'd have to return them to the store as defective.
I see cover bands and think, "You gave up."
You wanted to be a rock star in high school. You learned enough to get laid.
And then you gave up.
Keep using those night moves, buddy.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Took a week off, but I'm slowly getting tense and upset enough to resume whining - er, writing comedy - about my life.
Meanwhile, check this website out.