The Liam McEneaney Experience

First of all, thanks to everyone who's been writing to The Tony Danza Show on my behalf. Please keep those e-mails coming (see yesterday's entry if you aren't hip).

Now here's some fun links:

* Eric Drysdale sent me this link to this trailer. Absolutely f'ing hilarious.

* If you're like me, you think the old Max Fleischer Popeye cartoons are genuine works of art. Catch a bunch of classic Popeyes right here.

* Everybody's blogging, even Condeleeza Rice.

* * * * *

If you're in New York City on Monday, you have no excuse to not see this show:

MONDAY, ROCKTOBER 3rd
"Tell Your Friends!" - it's RocktoberFest!
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

CONGRATULATIONS TO OUR HOUSE BAND FOR BEING NAMED "BEST FOLK DUO" IN NY PRESS' BEST OF MANHATTAN 2005 ISSUE

WITH YOUR MC - Liam McEneaney, from "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever"

FEATURING:
* Chris DeLuca, writer for VH1's "Best Week Ever," and former writer for "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn."
* Claudia Cogan, who has appeared on Sirius Satellite radio, and at the UCB theatre
* Kristen Schaal, whom New York magazine just named one of "The Ten Funniest People You've Never Heard Of."
* Andy Borowitz, the creator of "Fresh Prince of Bel Air." Here's his bio from The Moth: Andy Borowitz is a comedian, actor, and writer whose work appears regularly in The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times and at Newsweek.com. He is the first-ever winner of The National Press Club’s humor award and has won six Dot-Comedy Awards for his website, borowitzreport.com. He appears on National Public Radio’s Weekend Edition Sunday, CNN’s American Morning, VH1’s Best Week Ever and has acted in the films Marie and Bruce starring Julianne Moore and Matthew Broderick and Melinda and Melinda starring Will Ferrell and directed by Woody Allen. He is the author of four humor books, including Who Moved My Soap? The CEO’s Guide to Surviving in Prison and The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers. He was a 2001 Finalist for the Thurber Prize for American Humor for his book The Trillionaire Next Door.

WE'RE CELEBRATING ROCKTOBER WITH A SPECIAL GUEST BAND
The Domestics - recent winners of the Boys vs. Girls Battle of the Bands

AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative. Their songs usually comprise one or two simple chord progressions with changes so well-selected as to generate an almost narrative sense of movement.
Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again. - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard and still sounds good.  That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS," and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

First things first - I'm in a comic book anthology called True Porn, both as a writer and as a character
It's not quite on sale just yet, but here's an article about it in The Village Voice in which I'm quoted. Pretty cool, huh? Well I thought so. I'll let you know how to order it when it's ready (in a week or so).

Help me be on The Tony Danza Show
If you know me, then you know that I believe that 99% of television is garbage. Most TV is mindless swill that's slopped to the American public like farmers for hogs at feeding time.
This goes double for daytime TV. Most daytime TV is meant to be background noise while cleaning the house, taking care of the baby, or drinking to forget your poor life choices (guilty!).

It's slick, polished, mediocre - yammering talking heads so bland and easily digested that the show is forgotten almost as soon as it's experienced.

And then there's The Tony Danza Show. Hosted by former professional boxer-turned-sitcom hero Tony Danza, the most improbable success story in showbusiness since - well, he's unique, quite honestly. I can't even think of anyone to compare him to. His acting style is nearly nonexistant; he starred in two mega-hit sitcoms in hich he played a likeable lug named Tony who said and did the kinds of things that Tony Danza would say and do in those situations (insider gossip: word is that he's just as nice in person as he is on TV).

Tony Danza now hosts a daytime talk show, and Oprah he ain't. Let's just say, any show which features Tony Freakin' Danza doing cooking segments, song-and-dance soft-shoe numbers while singing Gershwin tunes (you heard me), and segments like when Paula Abdul was a guest and they played a game called "Animal Idol" (they would play an animal noise, and she would have to guess what animal it was. It went on for five minutes, and both Danza and Abdul were what you would call "The Very Model of a Showbiz Trouper") is a show that I have to be a part of.

As far as I can tell, they don't have stand-up comics on this show as a rule. But I want to change all that. This is where you guys come in. I need a write-in campaign to ask the producers to book me as their first stand-up comedian.

So I checked out the official The Tony Danza Show website, and while they don't have an e-mail address to contact the show on, they do have something called "Tony's Got Mail" where you can send a message directly to the producers asking Tony a question.

Some examples:
* "Hey, I know this hilarious comedian named Liam McEneaney, he has been on Comedy Central and was a regular on VH1's Best Week Ever. You should totally have him on your show. His site is http://kidliam.blogspot.com."

* "Check out comedian Liam McEneaney at http://kidliam.blogspot.com. Recognize him from basic cable much? He's a really interesting comedian and would be perfect for your show."

* "I have six months left to live, and my one dying wish is to see comedian Liam McEneaney (from Comedy Central's Premium Blend and VH1's Best Week Ever) perform on The Tony Danza Show. I know that sounds silly, which is why The Make A Wish Foundation won't return my phone calls, letters, or telegrams. You can make my wish come true by going to http://kidliam.blogspot.com and booking Liam today!"

Or feel free to make up your own.

The only thing that sucks is that you have to take thirty seconds and register with their website, but you don't necessarily have to put in your real mailing address (WINK!), and you'll get access to the official The Tony Danza Show message boards.

Seriously, if you could help me get on The Tony Danza Show, it would be just about the greatest four minute segment in TV history. So please contact The Tony Danza Show today, right now, and let's get this party started right.

I hate happy couples. I see a happy couple, and I take it personally, like they're taunting me - "Okay, I get it. I'm going to die alone and you're not. Congratulations on finding 'happiness'. I hope that works out for you. Oh it has?"

There's always your single friend who clearly is single for a good reason, but always complains that he can't get a second date:
"I don't know why she didn't want to see me again."
"Hmm, well, based on the social interactions I've had with you, I'm going to make a wild crazy guess - did you spend forty-five minutes ranting about the Jets' starting line? Uh-huh, and did you notice the point where she fell asleep?
"Also, and this might sound crazy, but you might want to try bathing. Trust me, women notice little things like that."

"I just don't get why girls don't like me."
"Well, you weigh 320 pounds. You live in your mom's basement. Your hair hasn't seen a comb since Bill Clinton was President of the United States. You're a 36 year-old assistant manager at Rite Aid, and you refer to them as 'girls,' which is appropriate if you're trying to meet women in the sixth grade.
"Hmm, I don't know what women want. They're such a mystery!"

I was walking home across the 59th St. Bridge the other night, lookin' for fun and feelin' groovy, and there was a woman sitting in the middle of the pedestrian walkway reading a newspaper.

This being New York, as I approached her all I could think was, "Please don't be taking a dump. Please don't be taking a dump."

But she wasn't, she was just reading a newspaper. As I passed, I checked the headline, and it said, "HURRICANE THREATENS NEW ORLEANS."

At first I thought, "Uh-oh, she's got some bad news waiting for her."

And then I thought, "You know, anything I tell her is going to make me sound like a psychic."

ME: "You'll never believe this, but that hurricane is going to hit New Orleans really hard."
HER:"What, why that is what the next day's paper says..."
ME: "And then another Hurricane named Rita is going to move on into texas."
HER: "What sort of evil sorcery is this??!!!!"

And then I would "do" her.

THE END, copyright 2005 Liam McEneaney Enterprises all rights reserved

I was walking down the street last week, and a guy screamed at me, "White guys can't rap!"

And the problem was that I felt like I was put in the position of having to defend white people and their ability to rap.
Like I was supposed to go, "Oh yeah? So white people can't rap, huh? Well check this - give me a phat beat, DJ Skribble!"

But my problem is that I'm a white guy, and I definitely can't rap.
In fact, I get performance anxiety when I have to order in a Chinese restaurant.

So it would probably go something like, "Give me a phat beat, DJ Skribble!
"Yo checkit, I'm Liam McEneaney and I'm here to say,
"Um, that's it really.
"Let's go get ice cream."

But then I thought maybe I misheard the guy, and what he said was, "White guys can trap."
And then I'd be able to say, "Yer right. I trapped four lobstah this mahning. It was fahkin' wicked retahded."

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26th
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

WITH YOUR MC - Baron Vaughn

FEATURING:
* Ritch Duncan, a writer for "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn" and the founding editor of Jest magazine.
* Liam McEneaney, from "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever"
* Dan Cronin, as seen on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and NBC's "Late Night with Conan O'Brien"
* Christian Finnegan, from "Best Week Ever," a frequent guest on NBC's "The Today Show," the host of TV Land's "Game Time," and had his own half-hour special on Comedy Central.

PLUS THE ROCK AND ROLL VENTRILOQUISM OF
Ms. Carla Rhodes, who has been seen on VH1, MTV, FUSE, and the Learning Channel. Her song "I Love Animals" debuted at #2 on the Dr. Demento Top 5. You ain't gonna want to miss this!

SPECIAL MUSICAL GUEST
Jason Shain - Singer/songwriter. Folk, roots, americana, country. Songs about war, love, and laziness. Don't miss his performance of tracks from the new record, "Dog On A Chain". For more info go to www.jasonshain.com
free downloads at www.jasonshain.com/Downloads.htm

AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said: "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good.  That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
"A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS," and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

So enjoy this, the dorkiest dorkiest dorkiest picture of me in existance, from my appearance at Bob & Todd's "How To Kick People" show over the winter:



Like my Manchester United scarf? I think I'm about as dorky a soccer hooligan as ever existed. Even more so than Frodo in that new hooligan movie, if such a thing is possible.
A fight breaks out in the stands, I'm rolling a 7-sided die to protect myself against your +14 tooth-knocking head-butt.

I was in Union Square today, walking with my friend Stacey Nightmare. There were the remnants of an antiwar be-in thing (a hand-painted sign on a ratty tent said, "MEET CINDY TODAY 2:00." My asking a stranger about whether that sign meant that Cindy Sheehan had been there resulted in my listening to a crazy lady rant at me for ten minutes. She was in her fifties, thin, striking blue eyes and pinpoint pupils. I was actually quite happy for her; in another life, she would have been burnt for a witch. At the ten minute mark, I indicated Stacey and said, "My wife and I have an appointment we're running late for").

There was a folksinger, kind of an extremely poor man's Beck, singing protest songs into a mic in the Square. At one point, he said, "The next song's a hurricane song." All I could think was, "Please god, let that be Bob Dylan's song, The Hurricane."

But no, the first line was, "Oh Katrina."

Okay, there's no need to write a protest song about a hurricane. No one thinks that Hurricane Katrina was a good idea.
There's no pro-hurricane groups out there, demonstrating for the right to flood out New Orleans.

The Hurricane was not a right-wing hurricane sent out by a conservative think tank.
How do I know? Massachussettes is still standing.

What should they write protest songs about, you ask? What are the most pressing social issues facing our country in these times of crises?

I'm glad you asked:

Please provide a caption (in the Comments space) for the photo below:



Winner gets an official "The Liam McEneaney Experience" t-shirt.
(Want to buy one? Details soon!)

PS: If there's no good entries, I'm not giving away a shirt. Why? Because life has made me crabby over the weekend and I'm taking it out on everyone, that's why.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19th
"Tell Your Friends!" - It's a Going-Away Party!
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

WITH YOUR MC - Baron Vaughn

FEATURING:
* Amanda Melson, the head writer for "Sara Schaeffer is Obsessed with You"
* Rob Cantrell, from the first season of "Last Comic Standing," and also seen on CBS's "The Late Late Show w/ Craig Kilborn," Comedy Central's "Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn," and National Lampoon's "Rising Stars of Comedy."
* Liam McEneaney, from "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever"
* Tony Camin, who in addition to co-writing and starring in "The Marijuanalogues" has also appeared at the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen and on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," "Premium Blend," "Jimmy Kimmel Live," and "Tough Crowd."
* Leo Allen, a writer for "Saturday Night Live" who had a half-hour "Comedy Central Presents" special and appeared on "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien"

MY DEAR FRIEND IS LEAVING FOR LA
Christina McGrath (from the UCB Theatre and the hit shows "Runaway" and "Two-Fisted Crazy!") and her husbear Owen Burke are leaving the grimy streets of NYC for the swaying palms of Los Angeles. So come and wish her godspeed!

AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said: "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
"A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS," and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

* Some guy has posted a website arguing that Lord of the Rings star Elijah Wood is very very gay. While the site doesn't get many points for subtlety or wit, it does get mega retro-points for its mid-90s "Chewbacca Ate my Balls" primitve joke site feel.

* Comedian Tom Shillue does live Podcasts. Tom is very funny, as is evidenced by the fact that he has had his own Comedy Central Presentw half-hour special, and I have not. Tom gets extra nerd points because not only is it a Podcast site, it's a Podcast blog.

*The Museum of Hoaxes is your online one-stop information centre for all manner of hoaxes, pranks, and general tomfoolery. be sure to check out their Top 100 April Fool's Pranks, it's fun.

* * * * *

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22nd
THE HURRICANE BENEFIT SHOW
at Mo Pitkins' House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A
Take the F train to 2nd Ave.
INFORMATION: (212) 777-5660
BUY YOUR TIX ONLINE: TicketWeb
DOORS OPEN: 7:30pm
SHOW STARTS: 8:00pm
$15.00

Come see some of New York City's best comedians perform in a show to benefit the victims of Hurricane Katrina. If you've seen the news footage coming out of the disaster area, you know that there's a lot of work to be done over the next few months to help get these people's lives back in some semblance of order.

WITH YOUR MC - Liam McEneaney (Comedy Central's Premium Blend, VH1's Best Week Ever)

FEATURING:
* Andy Blitz (a writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" who has appeared on "Late Night" and "Premium Blend")
* Andy Borowitz (co-creator of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air," and has been seen on CNN, "Best Week Ever," and heard on NPR, and is the author of four books of humourous prose)
* Rob Corrdry (correspondent for "The Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart")
* Becky Donohue ("Premium Blend," "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn")
* Judy Gold (has had her own HBO and Comedy Central specials and has appeared on "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno" )
* Brian Kiley (a writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" who has appeared on "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno" )
* Paul Scheer (VH1's "Best Week Ever")
* Victor Varnado (from the Eddie Murphy movie "Pluto Nash," the Schwarzenegger movie "End of Days," Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and "Jimmy Kimmel Live!")

PLUS THE WORLD'S MOST KICKASS RAFFLE:
We are giving away
* A 20 gb color iPod (courtesy of TekServe)
* An autographed copy of The Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart Presents America: The Book
* A brand-new Coach bag.
* Several baseballs autographed by major league baseball superstars whose names I actually can't reveal right now
* A Pilates gift set from The PhysicalMind Institute - includes a Pilates Book, a t--shirt, and 3 complimentary lessons with their master teacher Barbara Sampson (a $350 value).
* COURTESY OF THE BROOKLYN BREWERY: An autographed copy of The Brewmaster’s Table by Garrett Oliver, gift certificates for free beers at their happy hour, and five cases of Brooklyn Beer
* COURTESY OF COMEDY CENTRAL: a gift bag with official Comedy Central gear and albums from your favorite comedians, including Dane Cook, Dave Attel, Jim Gaffigan, Todd Barry, D.L. Hughley, and Bobcat Goldthwait.
* A Marijuanalogues gift pack, including shirt, cast album, and book.
* Monk gift set, including DVD box set, hat, and autographed script.
* An autographed copy of Thank You, Sir by Jonathan Ames
* An autographed copy of The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers by Andy Borowitz
* Tickets to tapings of your favorite late night shows, including Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, The Late Show w/ David Letterman, and The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno
* Some classic graphic novels courtesy of The Center for Cartoon Studies (at least a $50.00 value)
* 2 tickets to the play Thom Paine at the Daryl Roth Theatre
* 2 pairs of handmade earrings donated by April Edwards, 4 Moons Handcrafted Jewelry
* Simon & Schuster book grab bag
* A set of custom-made baby gear from Droo.com

...and more to come...

BIG THANKS TO MO PITKINS' HOUSE OF SATISFACTION FOR DONATING THEIR BEAUTIFUL SPACE.

ABOUT OUR PRIZE CONTRIBUTORS:
TekServe is THE #1 source for all Mac knowledge, whether you want to buy a Mac or have yours serviced or upgraded. Thanks to Karen Sneider.

Autographed Daily Show book courtesy Chris Regan and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Coach bag courtesy Sara Allocco and Coach, the most stylish high-fashion company in the world. Even Iceland.

Brooklyn Brewery is NY's favorite local microbrewery. What can I say? I've sampled enough of their delicious product to consider myself a "satisfied customer." Sam Merritt is your Brooklyn Brewery man.

Comedy Central gift bag courtesy of Anne Harris, Jo-Ann Grigioni, and Comedy Central, basic cable's home for comedy.

Autographed baseballs courtesy comedian Brody Stevens. BROdy! ProFESSional! ReLIable! (No, he hasn't autographed them himself.)

Monk gift assortment courtesy Dan Dratch.

Autographed Jonathan Ames book courtesy himself.

Autographed Andy Borowitz book courtesy himself.

Pilates gift package courtesy of The PhysicalMind Institute, America's premiere Pilates Certification Program. 

Graphic novels courtesy Robyn Chapman at The Center For Cartoon Studies, a brand new cartooning university in Vermont. Really, check it out.

Thom Paine tickets donated by Adam Hess, General Manager of the DR2 Theatre.
 
2 pairs of handmade earrings donated by April Edwards, 4 Moons Handcrafted Jewelry
 
Simon & Schuster grab bag donated by Brianne Halverson. 

Baby gear from Droo.com donated by Andrew Connell.  His stuff has been featured on "VH1's Hot Mamas"- very stylish stuff for the cool baby set!

COVER BANDS ARE COOL
They're like karaoke for people who can't sing or play an instrument.

Are cover bands really necessary? I don't know about you guys, but on my radio, the Classic Rock station works.
I've never sat at home and thought, "Man, this Pink Floyd song is good, but you know what would be better? If none of the band members knew how to play an instrument. If only the bass player and the drummer played to two completely different tempos, it would be perfect."

How do you decide to form a classic rock cover band? Are you hanging out with your friends one day, and you're like, "Well Chuck, I've given up on my dreams. So have you and Dave. Let's learn some Blue Oyster Cult tunes."

"Okay, so as far as names go, we're either 'Don't Fear The Reaper: A Blue Oyster Cult Tribute Band,' or 'Combover: Four Middle-Management Guys In A Bar'."

AS I WAS WALKING ALONG A STREET SO FAIR
This guy stopped me and said, "Hey yo my man."

Now, if you live in the city, you know that nothing good ever follows the phrase, "Hey yo my man."

No one ever says, "Hey yo, my man, I just baked some hot apple pie. You want a piece?"
Or, "Hey yo my man, I'm getting married next weekend. Want to be my best man?"

No, it's always something annoying like, "Hey yo my man, I'm about to pee on your leg."

What this guy said was, "Hey yo my man, can I borrow five dollars?"

And I said, "Hey Mr. Strange Dirtbag on the Street, I'd love to lend you five dollars because I'm 99% sure that I'll see it again real soon. But in that 1% off-chance that maybe you forget to run into me again, what happens? Do I get to default on your mortgage?"

Maybe that guy was the head of IBM, and that's the way they do business.

Maybe I'll sit down and write this out as a joke with actual punuchlines and get back to you guys.

TODAY I APPEARED ON A PODCAST
My friends Chemda Khalili and Keith Malley have a very popular Podcast called Keith and the Girl. It was actually profiled on the front page of the NY Times Arts & Leisure section a couple of months ago.

SO LISTEN TO IT! Or don't call yourself my friend.

No jokes today. Me am sleepy!

In May, I was walking up West 4th St., towards Washington Square Park.
Now, in the fifties and sixties, that neighborhood was famed for being New York's intellectual and artistic center, with beatniks, folksingers, painters, poets, playwrights and comedians all making it their home.

Today it's known as a place where dealers who will walk alongside you and aggressively, in an undertone, try to sell you "smoke smoke smoke."

In May, I was walking up West 4th St., as I said, towards Washington Square Park, when one of these dealers starts to pace me: "Yo my man, smoke smoke smoke?"

"No," I said, "I don't smoke weed."

Then, looking offended, he said, "With those glasses, how you don't smoke weed?"

That's right, he felt like me and my glasses had tricked him somehow. Ooh, you scwewy wabbit with your twick gwasses!

So I decided, what the hell, I'm going to answer his question.

So I said, "Well, starting when I was eight until I was about twenty, I was on heavy antidepressants, and now I don't really feel the need to take drugs to be in an altered state of - "

And that's when he looked around, said, "Hey yo, I got to go."

That's right, Icreeped out one of the Washington Square Park dirtbag dealers.

I almost feel like I accomplished something.

FREE EXPRESSION
I got into an argument with an artist friend, because she was saying that graffitti should be protected under the idea that it's "artistic expression."

When you're doing graffitti, the only thing you're expressing is, "Hey, I'm an asshole with a can of spray paint. I like to ruin things!"

* * * * *

I GOT RICH
I once had fifteen thousand dollars. I was in a baking contest sponsored by a dynamite company; every recipe had to use dynamite as the main ingredient.

I made cupcakes, and I won the fifteen thousand dollars - as part of the lawsuit afterwards.

So I went out and bought a used limousine. I would just drive my limousine all over the place; people would always get excited, because they'd think I was driving someone rich and famous. Which is dumb; I've known a couple rich and famous people, and they never rode limousines. The only time rich people ride limos is when they want to remind themselves that they used to be poor. All I'm saying is that if I was a millionaire, I would want to look classier than kids on prom night.

Anyway, after a few weeks, I got bored with driving my limo around, and so I hired a chauffeur. Not to drive, to sit in the back seat.
I'd drive him to nightclubs, fancy restaurants, park outside. Go and open the door for him, and people would be like, "Who's inside?"
"I don't know, but he's so rich he actually hired someone to drive his chauffeur around."

* * * * *

FREE SHOW TONIGHT (MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12th) IN NYC
"Tell Your Friends!" Returns
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

WITH YOUR MC - the legendary, the original - Ms. Susie Felber!

FEATURING:
* Jesse Joyce, a tremendously talented touring headliner
* Bob Powers, from the cult hits "How To Kick People" and www.girlsarepretty.com
* Liam McEneaney, from "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever"
* Brian Kiley a writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" who has appeared on "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno."
* Demetri Martin, who had his own half-hour "Comedy Central Presents" special, and wrote for "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" and won The Perrier Award at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in Edinburgh

AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said: "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good.  That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
"A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS," and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

* My Internets pen-pal Caroline went to New Orleans last week, and escaped on the last plane out before they shut down the airport. here are some fantastic pictures she took of "old" New Orleans, before Katrina.

* E-Bay is a strange and wonderful place, with many odd things up for auction. StrangeEBay.com has collected the oddest. I want to bid on the bottle of air breathed by sexy college roommates!

* I don't normally recommend blogs not written by my friends. But this blog written by an Irish archaeologist is actually quite fun.

* * * * * *

Okay, so I'm running a benefit in a couple of weeks for The American Red Cross Hurricane Relief Fund,
Last night I had a dream that the night of the show, seven people came.
So I ask that, even though I know that most of my blog readers are outside the NYC area, if you have any friends who live around here, why not forward the information to them?
And then constantly remind them, like once or twice a day, to show up.

It's for a good cause and there's a kickass raffle attached to it:

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22nd
THE HURRICANE BENEFIT SHOW
at Mo Pitkins' House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A
Take the F train to 2nd Ave.
INFORMATION: (212) 777-5660
BUY YOUR TIX ONLINE: TicketWeb
DOORS OPEN: 7:30pm
SHOW STARTS: 8:00pm
$15.00

Come see some of New York City's best comedians perform in a show to benefit the victims of Hurricane Katrina. If you've seen the news footage coming out of the disaster area, you know that there's a lot of work to be done over the next few months to help get these people's lives back in some semblance of order.

WITH YOUR MC - Liam McEneaney (Comedy Central's Premium Blend, VH1's Best Week Ever)

FEATURING:
* Eddie Brill (has done "The Late Show w/ David Letterman" 8 times, and had his own "Comedy Central Presents" 1/2 hour special)
* Rob Corrdry (correspondent for "The Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart")
* Becky Donohue ("Premium Blend," "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn")
* Christian Finnegan ("Best Week Ever," a frequent guest on NBC's "The Today Show," the host of TV Land's "Game Time," and had his own "Comedy Central Presents" half-hour special)
* Judy Gold (has had her own HBO and Comedy Central specials and has appeared on "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno" )
* Brian Kiley (a writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" who has appeared on "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno" )
* Paul Scheer (VH1's "Best Week Ever")
* Victor Varnado (from the Eddie Murphy movie "Pluto Nash," the Schwarzenegger movie "End of Days," Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and "Jimmy Kimmel Live!")

PLUS THE WORLD'S MOST KICKASS RAFFLE:
We are giving away
* A 20 gb color iPod (courtesy of TekServe)
* An autographed copy of The Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart Presents America: The Book
* A brand-new Coach bag.
* Several baseballs autographed by major league baseball superstars whose names I actually can't reveal right now
* Monk gift set, including DVD box set, hat, and autographed script.
* An autographed copy of Thank You, Sir by Jonathan Ames
* An autographed copy of The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers by Andy Borowitz
* Tickets to tapings of your favorite late night shows, including Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, The Late Show w/ David Letterman, and The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno
* Some classic graphic novels courtesy of The Center for Cartoon Studies (at least a $50.00 value)
* 2 tickets to the play Thom Paine at the Daryl Roth Theatre
* 2 pairs of handmade earrings donated by April Edwards, 4 Moons Handcrafted Jewelry
* Simon & Schuster book grab bag

AND COURTESY OF THE BROOKLYN BREWERY:
* An autographed copy of The Brewmaster’s Table by Garrett Oliver
* Gift certificates for free beers at their happy hour.
* Five cases of Brooklyn Beer
...and more to come...

BIG THANKS TO MO PITKINS' HOUSE OF SATISFACTION FOR DONATING THEIR BEAUTIFUL SPACE.

ABOUT OUR PRIZE CONTRIBUTORS:
TekServe is THE #1 source for all Mac knowledge, whether you want to buy a Mac or have yours serviced or upgraded. Thanks to Karen Sneider.

Autographed Daily Show book courtesy Chris Regan and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Coach bag courtesy Sara Allocco and Coach, the most stylish high-fashion company in the world. Even Iceland.

Brooklyn Brewery is NY's favorite local microbrewery. What can I say? I've sampled enough of their delicious product to consider myself a "satisfied customer." Sam Merritt is your Brooklyn Brewery man.

Autographed baseballs courtesy comedian Brody Stevens. BROdy! ProFESSional! ReLIable! (No, he hasn't autographed them himself.)

Monk gift assortment courtesy Dan Dratch.

Autographed Jonathan Ames book courtesy himself.

Autographed Andy Borowitz book courtesy himself.

Graphic novels courtesy Robyn Chapman at The Center For Cartoon Studies, a brand new cartooning university in Vermont. Really, check it out.

Thom Paine tickets donated by Adam Hess, General Manager of the DR2 Theatre.
 
2 pairs of handmade earrings donated by April Edwards, 4 Moons Handcrafted Jewelry
 
Simon & Schuster grab bag donated by Brianne Halverson. 

A few people have questioned my patriotism. Said, "Why aren't you enlisted and fighting for your country overseas in the Army? Don't you love your country?"

Sure I love my country, and I want her to win all her wars. That's why I'm not in the Army.
I'm so non-threatening, al-Qaeda offered me a recruitment bonus to join the US Army.

I'm no good to a softball team I joined. Can you imagine the pain i would feel getting picked last for a special ops?
"Okay, we got the crippled kid. So that means you gotta go parachuting with Liam."
"Oh c'mon man, Liam was in our battalion last time. Look, can't we take this three-legged dog?"
"No way, we got him three picks go."

Actually, to be honest, I did fight for three years in the Salvation Army. Our uniforms were very cheap, but they smelled of mothballs.

* * * * *

This afternoon, I had just left a go-try-to-make-money-in-advertising audition thing, and I was riding in the elevator with two of the British advertising guys who were looking at folks. Which can be a stressful situation.
Luckily, I found a way relieve the tension; by singing the chorus to an old Irish revolutionary song called "Come Out Ye Black and Tans."*

When I realized exactly what I was doing, it didn't relieve my stress at all, at least it spread the feeling to the rest of the elevator. It probably would have been more comfortable if I'd farted really loud and long.

*The lyrics to "Come Out Ye Black and Tans" (by Dominic Behan, brother of famed playwright - and Irish national hero - Brendan Behan):
I was born on a Dublin street where the Royal drums do beat
And the loving English feet they tramped all o'er us,
And each and every night when me da would come home tight
He'd invite the neighbors outside with this chorus:

(Chorus)
Oh, come out ye black and tans,
Come out and fight me like a man
Show your wife how you won medals down in Flanders
Tell them how the IRA
Made you run like hell away,
From the green and lovely lanes of Killashandra.

(Chorus)

Come let me hear you tell
How you slandered great Pernell,
When you fought them well and truly persecuted,
Where are the smears and jeers
That you bravely let us hear
When our heroes of sixteen were executed.

(Chorus)

Come tell us how you slew
Those brave Arabs two by two
Like the Zulus they had spears and bows and arrows,
How you bravely slew each one
With your sixteen pounder gun
And you frightened them poor natives to their marrow.

(Chorus)

The day is coming fast
And the time is here at last,
When each yeoman will be cast aside before us,
And if there be a need
Sure my kids will sing, "Godspeed!"
With a verse or two of Steven Behan's chorus.

Pamela Anderson is the first woman to turn into the drag queen version of herself.

Some would say it was Courtney Love. Or Anna Nicole.
I can't argue with either of those.

* * * * *

I don't normally use hookers.

But once, a few years ago, after I'd broken up with my then-girlfriend, I started to miss her, certain things she would do.
So I'll admit, I would hire a woman to come up to my apartment, and I'd pay her $200 to annoy me for an hour.

Then I wouldn't miss my ex any more.

"Here's $50.00. Get offended for no reason and then cry."

* * * * *

New York City has public pools - which means these are pools open to anyone in the general public with two bucks to spend.
Which is cool, because homeless people need to bathe, too.

New York City public pool, or as I like to call it, "Disease-Flavored Stew."
There isn't enough chlorine in the world to kill some of the shit in there. There's diseases floating around in there that haven't been name yet. there's diseases in there that were cured centuries ago, like Whooping Cough, or the Vapors.

The Veterans For Peace have set up a Camp Casey in Covington, LA, to assist the Red Cross with their relief efforts.
And in related news, Republican activists have set up their own camp fifty feet away to assist the hurricane.
(Thanks for the link, Cathy W.)

Meanwhile, some good news: President Bush has announced that he can finish his vacation "just as soon as the guy who tells me what to say gets here to take charge."

ARCADE GAME HIGH SCORES LIST
Should be called "The List of Initials of 30 Year-Old Guys Who Still Live with Their Parents."

When I was 10 years old, I was terrible at arcade games. And it would never be my fault. I'd play for two minutes, get completely killed, and then be like, "That game is crooked! It's designed so no one can win!"
And then some guy would put in a quarter and play one game for eight hours.

That's true, I saw a guy play Spy Hunter for ninety minutes on one quarter. First of all, when it comes to someone who's put that kind of time and effort into a video game, into really playing it over and over again, there's really no winners or losers. Except for the "losers" part.

I'd go on and on about him being a loser, but I just realized that I spent ninety minutes watching him play a video game.

I DROPPED OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL
Which is embarassing. What's more embarassing is that I dropped out of a New York City public high school. That's right, I couldn't handle the incredibly high academic pressures of a New York City public high school:
"Wait, you want me to read and write? At the same time? Add and subtract? Who am I, Albert Eensteen?!"

That isn't fair. New York City public schools did have incredibly hard requirements like, "You have to show up. And not just once, but every day. And then, when you show up, you have to do things like 'Go to class'."

I didn't mind going to class, actually. I mean, hell, I had to sleep some time.

But kids would come to school and not go to class, just hang out in the hallway. The hallway of a NYC public school is where it's at. You can make everything there - friends, drug deals, babies. Whatever.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22nd
THE HURRICANE BENEFIT SHOW
at Mo Pitkins' House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A
Take the F train to 2nd Ave.
RESERVE NOW: (212) 777-5660
Or reserve online at

TicketWeb

8:00pm - $15.00

A show to benefit the Red Cross and relief efforts in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. It's comedy for a good cause. And of course, there WILL be an awesome raffle.

WITH YOUR MC - Liam McEneaney (Premium Blend, VH1's Best Week Ever)

FEATURING:
* Eddie Brill (has done "The Late Show w/ David Letterman" 8 times, and had his own "Comedy Central Presents" 1/2 hour special)
* Rob Corddry ("The Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart")
* Becky Donahue ("Premium Blend," "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn")
* Christian Finnegan ("Best Week Ever," a frequent guest on NBC's "The Today Show," the host of TV Land's "Game Time," and had his own "Comedy Central Presents" half-hour special)
* Brian Kiley (has appeared on "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno" and is a writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien")
* Paul Scheer (VH1's "Best Week Ever")
* Victor Varnado (from the Eddie Murphy movie "Pluto Nash," the Schwarzenegger movie "End of Days," Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and "Jimmy Kimmel Live!")
And more performers TBA as they confirm!

I'm trying to be the only guy with a blog who isn't talking about the horrors in New Orleans. I kind of flipped around the blogs randomly, and found a lot of people using a random national tragedy as a launching point for their extreme left or right-wing viewpoints.

Not that it isn't worth talking about. Claudia sent me an article with some truly chilling first-person accounts of life in what can only be described as America's newest Third World war zone. I could go on and on about what Bush has done right or wrong over the past five years, but that won't get help down to New Orleans.

Instead, I'm going to be running a Red Cross benefit in three weeks. More info on that, believe me. Meanwhile, September 22nd, mark your calendars.

However, the rest of this blog entry will decidedly not be trying to politicize a horrible, horrible national tragedy*. Instead, here's a genuinely dumb joke that I like, even though I know it will never do well onstage.

Alphabet soup can be dangerous!

I was enjoying some delicious alphabet soup with a friend, when I saw the words spelled out the name of "GRAPE NUTS," my favorite breakfast cereal! I said to my friend, "Look what I'm in the mood for!"

But one of the letters had dissolved, so all it said was "RAPE NUTS."
She was not amused.

Hooray! I can already feel the awkward, judgmental silence!



*Okay, one point because I honestly can't help myself:
From CNN.com: "New Orleans hospital halts patient evacuations after coming under sniper fire, a doctor who witnessed the incident says." Armed gunmen surrounding a hospital are opening fire and preventing a desperately-needed medical evacuation by helicopter, demanding access to the hospital's roof so that they can be the first to leave via helicopter.
Thank God the NRA is fighting for their right to have those guns. I don't know if I'll ever get to pry their guns from their cold dead fingers, but I would love the chance.

Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.

--From The Tempest (IV, i)

I never had a bar mitzvah or a confirmation.
No, when I was 13, my dad took me to a murder mystery dinner that was part of a Star Trek convention.
He was like, "Today, my son, you are a man. A very lonely man."

I was solving a mystery with guys dressed as Klingons and Romulans.
The only mystery in that room was, "What does kissing a girl feel like?"

* * * * *

I was being interviewed for a job, and the interview took place in a Starbucks.
The guy interviewing me said, "Yeah, we're doing the job interview here because we haven't told the guy you'd be replacing that he's getting fired."

And I'm like, "Great. So if I get hired, I'm going to get shot."

I"m thinking, if you're going to be that way, then you should go all the way, and when you fire the guy, you should get all the employees to crouch in his cubicle, and when he walks in, everyone just jumps out and shouts, "SURPRISE!"

He'd say, "But it's not my birthday. Why the surprise?"

"Oh we wanted to introduce you to Jerry. Here's the surprise - Jerry's the guy who's going to replace you. You have ten minutes to clean out your desk and leave. SURPRISE!"