The Liam McEneaney Experience

I hate talking to friends of mine, women who should clearly dump their boyfriends, but they don't want to hear about it.

"He has a fear of commitment."
"No, he's married. He doesn't have a fear of commitment, he just knows a good thing when he sees it.

* * * * *

I used to play for a small band. A very small band.

I played eardrums.

* * * * *

I don't have health insurance.
I do, however, have Google.

Thank God I can just Google all of my health problems, and a responsible medical site will come up and tell me that I'm dying.

"Hmm, I've got a headache, runny nose - according to Dr. Google, I have liver cancer."

"I stubbed my toe, it hurst a lot - oh, I'm a werewolf. Nice."

* * * * *

I used to stay home and play air guitar to Def Leppard songs. Until one day I got a call from Joe Elliot - they'd voted me out of the band.

* * * * *

And now, as a punishm - er, reward for being loyal readers, here are the three greatest stand-up comedy jokes ever written (by me):
1) I once dated a Jewish woman. She never made me wear a condom - she always made me wear Schtupperware.

2) I like Triscuits. They're one scuit better than regular biscuits.

3) I used to be a door-to-door salesman. I used to go around selling doors to other doors.

That I could go to all the girls who rejected me in school and have the satisfaction of saying to their faces, "Ha ha! See this? See what you turned down? How does it feel to be right? Huh? Yeah, and I'm poor too, so now what."

That's it really for today. Hoefully I'll be getting my Internet issues sorted out soon. Or I'll remember to carry my comedy notebook around with me.

My Internet Service Provider has gone out of business, which is why I've been so sporadic posting this week. Hopefully, this situation will be resolved shortly.

In the meantime, please come see this show:

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28th
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

WITH YOUR MC - Baron Vaughn

FEATURING:
Ophira Eisenberg
As seen on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and her own 1/2 hour special on the Canadian comedy channel

Christian Finnegan
He's had his own "Comedy Central Presents" 1/2-hour special. You might know him from his weekly gig on VH1's "Best Week Ever," his regular stints on NBC's "Today Show," his hosting gig on TV Land's "Game Time," or you might remember him as Chad The White Guy from The Chappelle Show's "Mad Real World" sketch.

Liam McEneaney
From "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever"

Bonnie McFarlane
From "Premium Blend," "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn," and her own HBO half-hour special

Rich Vos
From "Premium Blend," "Last Comic Standing," and his own "Ceomdy Central Presents" half-hour special

Rena Zager
Soon to be seen on an upcoming "Premium Blend," and she's a former writer for "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"

Slovin & Allen
Downtown comedy's original power couple, they've had their own "Comedy Central Presents" 1/2-hour special, they served for a few years as writers for "Saturday Night Live," and they've made multiple appearances on shows such as "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" and "Viva Variety!"

AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

Good news. I have quit drinking - before ten am. Because I figure, if I can't go a half-hour without a beer after I wake up, then there's always tequila, am I right?

* * * * *

I was never the teacher's pet.
I do remember the kid who was the teacher's pet though.

I remember vividly the day the cops came and freed him from that cage in the back of the room.

We used to feed him carrots through the bars, and make him beg for the key. But we never gave it to him. Ahhh, good times.

* * * * *

I went to a 12 Step meeting for people who were addicted to 12 Step meetings.

Our first week, we voted to disband the group.

But everyone kept showing up every week anyway. We just couldn't help ourselves.

Walking up 3rd Ave. on a rainy night a couple nights ago, and I see a homeless black guy with a whistle on a string around his neck, whistling at traffic. Now, this is slightly out of the ordinary, but I'm a New Yorker and if there isn't blood being shed it isn't going to attract too much of my attention.

As I get closer, I realize that he's standing with a white couple, and he's trying to hail a cab for them. That's right, this guy was a freelance doorman.

Now, I don't make the rules here, so don't get mad at me for pointing out a rule of life in NYC: cabs don't stop for black guys. Seriously, I once made five dollars hailing a cab for a black couple. (They had cabs passing them by. I said, "You trying to hail a cab. For five bucks I'll get one for you. Okay, now just stand about five feet back." A minute later, a cabby was giving me the dirtiest look possible as the couple climbed into the back seat.)

So this guy's trying to flag down cabs for this white couple. At one point, a cab starts to pull up. The whistle guy walks up to it, the cabbie sees he's a black guy and peels away. This guy was not only not helping, he was actively cabblocking this poor couple standing out in the rain.

I saw him again last night, as I was a'walking up 3rd Ave. While he was waiting for a "customer," he was directing traffic, urging cars on through a red light.

I walked up a couple blocks further up 3rd, and there were some middle-aged folks, looking like they'd just wrapped upa play called "Drunk Middle-Class Businessmen." One guy had just hugged a female associate, and was opening his arms, attempting to get one of his male associates to hug him. His male associate refused, so as I walked past them, I gave the guy a big old hug. He didn't seem to be feeling the love.

* * * * *

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21st
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

WITH YOUR MC - Ritch Duncan

FEATURING:
Ted Alexandro
From "The Late Show w/ David Letterman," "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien," "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn," "Jimmy Kimmel Live!," "Dr. Katz," "The View," and his own "Comedy Central presents" 1/2 hour special

Claudia Cogan
From Sirius Satellite radio, and the UCB theatre.

Dan Cronin
Writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien"

Andres DuBouchet
He was one of Backstage magazine's "Ten Stand-Out Stand Ups Worth Watching," and Time Out NY called him one of NYC's best comedians.

Tom Shillue
From "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien," "The Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart," and his own "Comedy Central presents" 1/2 hour special.

AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good.  That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

I would never film myself having sex.

That would be a lot like filming a dog eating a live cow.

I'm not sure when it would happen.
I'm not even entirely sure if it would happen.

But I don't want to have to watch it when it does.

* * * * *

Noted intellect, author, bon vivant, and general man-about-town 50 Cent is releasing his own line of books.

He's already announced the title of his first book - "A Tale of Two Fitties."*

Finally, a book by a guy who can't write - perfectly targeted to the audience that can't read.

* * * * *

I like dogs, and don't we all? I mean sure you have to take them outside so hey can pee on the sidewalk, but I had an uncle like that. He wasn't a "dog," he was an "alcoholic."

The reason we all like dogs is the same - so that you have an excuse for that collection of leather studded collars in your living room.

This has been a weird blog entry, but I am exhausted.

* I do believe that this deserves a hearty old "LOL SIDEWAYS SMILEY FACE!" Reginald, don't you?

Don't ride in a limo.
People rent limos because they want to look glamorous.

Yeah, great. You look as glamorous as a Jersey teen on prom night.

A limo makes a statement, and that statement is, "I have a hundred bucks and four hours of this driver's time."

Some friends of mine wanted to go check out a hot nightclub in New York - Bungalow 8. They wanted the full VIP treatment, they were like, "Fuck it, we ain't waitin' in no line. We're going to rent a limo."

I was like, "I gotta see this." So I went with them, and sure enough, when we got out of the limo, the bouncer looked at us and was like, "Who are these douchebags in a rented limo? You guys can go wait on the line to wait on the line to be told that you can't get in."

And I said, "Okay, you guys want to get VIP treatment? You want to be let in? Let me rent the car."

So the next night, I went out and rented an ambulance.

I tell you, when we pulled up and ran out of that ambulance, we did not have to wait on a line. In fact, the club management kept buying us drinks so we wouldn't have the place shut down.

Left my notebook at my sketch partner's apartment last night (if you haven't performed a sketch with someone in six months, are you still sketch partners? Is it a common-law thing, or are we free to see other comedians? What's the statute of limitations?), so no new jokes for you guys.
I know what you're going to say: "So Liam, what's the bad news?"
To which I reply: "Ah ha ha go fuck yourself."

So instead, I'll just talk about this: I once dated a woman - not a comedian, not in the comedy world, someone I refer to as "one of the Normals" - and she hung out at a bar with my comedian friends and I for a few hours one night. It was a tableful of guys talking about our hair and our weight and our skin and what kinds of clothes make you look good. I swear, at one point we were figuring out our colors, what colors flattered us.

As we left the bar, the Normal lady said to me, "Oh my God, you guys are worse than women."

I would say that's not fair, right ladies? Nothing's worse than women. LOL!

No but really, her point was valid. So here's the quickest explanation:

Comedy tends to attract some of the most insecure people you'll ever meet.
And they're all competing to make it in a business - entertainment - where you're judged constantly on so many factors; looks, clothes, personality, etc.
And so essentially, you have these horribly insecure folk living their worst nightmare, which is being judged and scrutinized even worse than they do themselves.

And now I go to sleep.

I used to date this woman who wanted me to go to Virginia with her.

I don't wanna go to Viginia.

"But Virginia's for lovers."

You know what else is for lovers? Chlamydia.
I'm not going to Virginia.

* * * * *

When I was a kid, I had a cousin who smoked like a chimney.
He lit his feet on fire.

It was fine - until the Christmas we caught Santa coming down his throat.

(Oh gentle reader, you're welcome. For new readers, that is the best joke I have ever written ever.)

* * * * *

The following picture was taken on the sidewalk outside of a bar/theatre where I saw one of the best shows I've seen all year.
My friend Andres put on a production called "Drunk Hamlet" - an abridged version of Shakespeare's masterpiece, as performed by a troupe of comedians who have spent the evening getting as completely hammered as humanly possible.

As I say, this picture was taken after the show. My friend Andres, who played the King, sitting in a puddle of Hamlet's puke (not pictured). Further down the street, Laertes sitting in a puddle of his own puke.

It was one of the most genuinely delightful evenings of theatre I've had the pleasure of sitting through.

(Please note that in the following picture, it looks as though my hair has somehow been put on sideways.)



* * * * *

YOU MUST ATTEND THIS SHOW:

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14th
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

WITH YOUR MC - Baron Vaughn

FEATURING:
Mike Britt
From "The Late Show w/ David Letterman," "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien," "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn," VH1's "Best Week Ever," and his own "Comedy Central presents" 1/2 hour special

Anthony DeVito
As seen on VH1 and in US Weekly's "Fashion Police"

Todd Levin
Seen on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend," and curator of the cult hit show "How To Kick People."

Liam McEneaney
From "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever"

Victor Varnado
Seen in the Eddie Murphy movie "Pluto Nash," and the Schwarzenegger film "End of Days." He has done stand-up on "Premium Blend" and "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" He is currently writing a movie with Stan Lee. Yes, that Stan Lee.

AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good.  That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

Whenever someone ends a sentence with, "no offense," what that means is, "Everything I just said to you was an insult, in case you didn't catch it."

For example, I have these friends, a gay couple named Geoff and Franc.

Now, Geoff likes to tell everyone he talks to about whatever dreams he had the night before, and let's be honest, no one wants to hear about your dreams. It's like having someone show you vacation slides from their subconscious.

The only guy whose dreams I really want to hear about is Martin Luther King. Now that guy had some hella intense dreams.

Anyway, I'm hanging out with Geoff and Franc, and Geoff says, "Last night I had the craziest dream. I was a giant tube sock, and I kept trying to cram myself into this tiny Reebok sneaker. What do you think it means?"

And Franc said, "I think it means no one wants to hear about your stupid boring dreams, no offense."

* * * * *

I don't do cocaine. I'm paranoid about getting hooked, and it doesn't seem like cocaine helps paranoia any.

That's what's good about alcohol - no paranoia.

In fact, after one or two dozen drinks, paranoia is not the issue:
"Oh, you killed Kennedy? Well hey, we all made mistakes, am I right? What I want to know is, who killed the jukebox? Let's hear some tunes, people!"

When you're like me - single, unattractive, poor - you find yourself turning to one source of affection: prostitution.

And when people find out that I've "gone there," they always say, "Really? What was it like?"

And the answer is, you know it really wasn't that great.

First of all, I hardly made any money.

I did get seventeen dollars from a guy with a science teacher fetish.

He made me read calculus equations to him while he stood in a corner and furiously mastered Pythagorean theorems.

* * * * *

Just to clarify for concerned readers - my mom - I have never visited a prostitute. I mean, why pay a woman to clearly not be attracted to me when I get plenty of that for free? Awww, *sniffle*!

* * * * *

I think the least effective pickup line I ever used was: "Excuse me miss, are you a cop? Because you're arresting. And if you aren't, I'd like you to take these handcuffs off of me."

* * * * *

When I was a kid, I had a pet dragon named "Sir CuddleFire III."
Until my parents made me start taking all that "psychotropic medication."

When I was a kid, I remember one year my parents said, "Good news. We're going on vacation!"
And I said, "What's a vacation?"
And they said, "That's where you pack up and go far far away from everything that annoys you so that you can relax."
And I said, "Oh fun. Where are we going?"
And they said, "Well, we're going to Disney World. And you're going to stay with your grandmother!"

* * * * *

One year, my parents took me to Marine World.
Well, they said it was Marine World.
Turned out it was boot camp.
Oops!

* * * * *

I've never been to DisneyLand.

I tried once, but I was stopped at the border as an undesireable.

See, when I was showing my passport to the customs guy, he said, "Welcome to the Happiest Place On Earth!"
And I said, "Oh, am I going to be in Tommy Lee's bed?"

So I was jailed. And they put me in the cells where they put all their political prisoners; a cage under the It's A Small World ride.
You think, "That's not so bad." But you have to understand, 48 hours of hearing that "It's A Small World After All" song will break a man's soul.
You're ready to confess to anything - the Lindergh baby kidnapping, 9/11, being "he who dealt it," anything.

I was put on trial in a kangaroo court. Literally a kangaroo court. A cartoon kangaroo named Mr. Hoppy was presiding.

To give Disney credit, I was tried by a jury of my peers. And I know they were my peers, because I like to dress in a giant duck outfit.

I was deported from DisenyLand.

And that's all of this joke i wrote before I gave up on it. Sorry, but sometimes they get away from you and turn out to be completely shitty. Tomorrow, a joke I enjoyed a bit more.

They say when you want to be with someone for the rest of your life, you should give them a diamond because diamonds are forever.

Well, so is herpes.

And you won't have to spend three months' salary, unless the Port Authority hooker rips you off.

* * * * *

I went on a date once with a woman who was so annoying, it turned into two dates - our first date and at the same time, it was our last date.

It was a double date. It was just me, this woman, and her ex-boyfriend.
I mean, her ex-boyfriend wasn't with us, but with all the time she spent talking about him, he must as well have been.

His name was Doug. I'd never met Doug before, but after an hour and a half hearing about how awesome Doug was, I hated Doug. Hated Doug. Which was not fair to Doug, but the hell with his feelings.

She told me that Doug was a stockbroker, Doug had a lot of money, Doug had a nice car, Doug was model handsome and an amateur athlete. I said, "To hell with you, how do I get a date with Doug? He sounds amazing."

And by the way, it's odd to hear a woman you're on a date with going down a laundry list of what makes her dream man, and realize that you have none of those traits. I'm like, "Why are we going out again? Did you feel like challenging yourself?"

To be honest, for a while I was jealous of Doug. But after about 45 minutes, I stopped being jealous of Doug for how awesome he was, and started being jealous of Doug for getting rid of her, which was something I wished I could do.

In fact, I started playing a drinking game called The Doug Drinking Game - every time she mentioned Doug and how great he was, I let her pay for her own drink.

Eventually, we leave the bar. We're on the street, when who do we run into but Doug.
Doug's on a date.
My date and Doug start arguing.
This is when I side-conference with Doug's date.

I said: "I just spent the last hour and a half hearing about how awesome Doug is."
She rolled her eyes and said, "Me too."

Doug's date and I bonded over how much we hated Doug.
In fact, we left those two and went to get a drink.
And funnily enough, we spent the rest of the evening talking about Doug.

Here it is - the "sensual harassment" bit. Enjoy it; it's something I really only do onstage ever anymore if someone requests it.

That was four years ago, and what a difference four years makes, eh? I don't do any of those jokes any more, really, and I've changed my look a bit. Below is a picture of me from last week at my friend Brandy's Halloween party with some arm candy. (Please note: The pretty ladies were gone about two seconds after the picture was taken.)

Because really, what is a self-involved blog without too many pictures of yourself up on it?

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7th
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

WITH YOUR MC - Susie Felber

FEATURING:
Andy Blitz
A writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" who has appeared on "Late Night" and "Late Friday" and "Premium Blend"

Todd Hanson
Head writer for The Onion

Brian Kiley
A writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" who has done stand-up on "Late Night" and "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno"

Liam McEneaney
From "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever"

Damion Sammarco
The former co-host/producer of The Tuesday Night Train Wreck (which ran for 7 years)

AND SPECIAL MUSICAL GUESTS:
The Hazzards
A glockenspiel/ukelele-driven band who have appeared on Comedy Central's "Out on the Edge" hosted by Alan Cumming, and on Comedy Central's "The World Stands Up." Their video "Gay Boyfriend" was an Internet sensation, getting over one million downloads in its first three months live on the InterWeb. "Gay Boyfriend" was remixed as a EuroPop Dance tune, and reached the UK charts at #67, ahead of some shitty song by Seal. They played at the Kennedy Center Honors for Steve Martin late in October, and Anne from The Hazzards sang the national anthem before a Red Sox game.

AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good.  That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

I won a big darts tournament the other day.

I used a dart gun.

On my opponents.

"Can't win if you're tranquilized, jerk."

* * * * *

Random note from my notebook:

Transylvestite: "I vant to suck your dick."

The good thing about the above: I'm pretty sure Gaffigan hasn't done that. For a good reason.

* * * * *

People are funny about their pets. Dogs are the only animals we buy houses for.

And I don't mean a cage or something, I mean we buy a little replica of the house we live in, and put it in the backyard of our actual house.

It's like buying a kid a tricycle before he's old enough to ride a real bike.

It's like we're saying, "Keep evolving a little harder, one day you'll be ready for the real thng."

* * * * *

By the way, ladies, I am single. But that doesn't mean I'm desperate. It just implies it.

Yeah, I'm single, broke, and unattractive. You might say I'm "the total package."

People ask me why I'm single, and I always give them the same answer: "God bless you for assuming it's my choice."

GARRR! As a commenter has pointed out, this first joke about the glasses - a Jim Gaffigan joke.
Fuck! I thought I was funny for a second.
Okay, I guess I'll leave it up as an example of one of the most frustrating things that can happen when you're a comedian, and you think you've written something funny - and it turns out, all you did was write a joke someone else already thought of.
By the way, there's a link to Gaffigan's website on the left-hand side of this blog. Please check him out, he's one of my faves.
The other two jokes, by the way, I take full responsibility for.

Drunk women in bars are forever grabbing my glasses and jamming them on their face: "Let me see!"

First of all, those happen to be the most expensive things I own, and not coincidentally, the most fragile things I own.

And they always say the same thing: "Oh my God, you really can't see! Wow, you're so blind!"

Gee, I can't see? Maybe that's why I wear glasses? I didn't wake up one morning and say, "How can I make myself more unfuckable? Fake wart? Hunchback? No, I know, I'll wear glasses!"

Also, do you drag someone out of their wheelchair and say, "Let me try this thing! Oh my god, you can't walk! Wow, you're so crippled!"

* * * * *

The Notre Dame University football team is very famous - they're always in the newspapers, and their nickname is "The Fighting Irish."
Which confused me as a kid; until I was 10 years old, I thought that my dad's family played college football.

* * * * *

I will never forget the day my eccentric uncle Seamus took me big game hunting.
You know who else won't forget that day? The people who work at the Bronx Zoo.
Boy were they angry.

He was a multi-millionaire; he bought a construction company, and turned it into a "deconstruction company."
He used shoddy materials and cheap nonunion labor, but he did it ironically.

He adopted a highway. Because my aunt couldn't conceive one naturally.

He was a big supporter of charity, and my aunt hated that; Charity dances three nights a week at Wiggles strip club.
That last joke has to be older than vaudeville, right?

When you're having sex, in order to "hold back," they say you should think about a baseball game.

My problem is that I'm a Mets fan, so I'll find myself in bed with a woman, and I'll start screaming, "No no no! Go back! GO BACK! What are you doing? Run it out, asshole! Goddammit. Okay, I'm going to get a beer, do you want anything?"

* * * * *

I'm not a terribly religious person. I consider myself a "Pragmatic Atheist."

That means that I don't necessarily believe in God, but I sure hope He believes in me.

* * * * *

Am I the only person having fun watching the Bush White House completely fall apart?
It makes me almost wish I'd voted for the guy, I'm having so much fun watching this administration.

The country is kind of like a father who trusted his teenage son a little too much and said, "Here's the keys to the family car. Go ahead, son, have fun."

And then one day he woke up to go to work and said, "Hey, didn't this thing used to have wheels? Where'd the doors go?"

* * * * *

This is an audition my friends and I are doing for Jimmy Kimmel Live! You should come out. And you should make reservations, as it is looking likely to sell out by showtime, and I want you to have a seat.

Wednesday, November 2nd
"The Jimmy Kimmel Live! Audition Showcase"
Laugh Lounge
151 Essex St
RESERVATIONS: 212-614-2500
8:00pm - doors
8:30pm - showtime
$5.00 cover, two-drink minimum

With:
YOUR MC: Baron Vaughn

FEATURING:
* Josh Comers (Comedy Central's Laff Riots)
* Dan Cronin ("Premium Blend," "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien")
* Chris DeLuca (writer for "The Late Late Show w/ Craig Kilborn," VH1's "Best Week Ever")
* Andres DuBouchet (Backstage's "10 Stand Out Stand Ups Worth Watching," Time Out NY's "Best Comedian in NYC")
* Ritch Duncan (writer, "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn," editor Jest magazine)
* Ophira Eisenberg ("Premium Blend," her own half hour special in Canada)
* Susie Felber (MTV2, US Weekly)
* Todd Levin ("Premium Blend")
* Liam McEneaney ("Premium Blend," "Best Week Ever")
* Rob Paravonian (Comedy Central's "Premium Blend," touring headliner)
* Victor Varnado ("Premium Blend," "Jimmy Kimmel Live!," the Eddie Murphy movie "Pluto Nash")

AND HEADLINER Tom Shillue, from "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" and a "Comedy Central Presents" 1/2-hour special