Friday, October 27, 2006
Yes, my favorite hobby is "quietly seething."
Anyhoozle, there's one list, ImpulseNYC, that's been super-excited about their upcoming Halloween party, to the extent that they've sent me quite a few e-mails.
Here's my actual response to their latest:
> We just wanted to drop you a short email about Friday night at Guest House RSVP.
>(west 27th between 10th-11th ave). We have sent you a few emails this week and we
> appreciate you taking the time to read them.
Dear Impulse NYC;
I received your e-mail about Friday night at Guest House. While I appreciate the fact that you kept it short, I have to say that I find the second line baffling.
You tell me that you have sent me a few e-mails and you thank me for having taken the time to read them. However, I almost always* delete your e-mails unread, which you have probably surmised from the fact that I have never taken you up on the opportunity to RSVP for an evening of what I'm sure is Upper East Side yuppie stockbroker scumbags and New Jersey trash getting drunk and screaming and grinding each other right before finally vomiting all over the sidewalk outside of your club.
Also, the three attempts I made to unsubscribe might have been a clue, but I say that if you're willing to overlook them then so am I. After all, every relationship must have its rocky points, right? The important thing is that we're here now.
All that being said, one can only assume that this second sentence "thanking" me for reading your e-mails was sarcasm; pure, uncalled-for sarcasm which I find both confusing and hurtful.
Why, ImpulseNYC? Why must you lash out so? Is it the fact that you have been so imbued with the spirit of generosity that you made a decision several years ago to invite me into your clubbing party world - despite the fact that I've never expressed interest in it?
Does it hurt your feelings to imagine that I shake my head in condescending disgust before deleting your e-mails, my lips curled in a superior smirk. Have no fear if that's your concern; I never give your e-mails that much thought, and certainly never invest them with even the bare minimum emotion required to feel the disdain necessary to move even a facial muscle.*
Perhaps you saw my complete disinterest in dressing up exactly like all three of my stockbroker buddies - hair gelled back, khakis and pink dress shirt - and setting out for an evening of drunkenly annoying women until I pass out as shyness. Perhaps you saw my reticence to do blow in a mens' room stall with a gaggle of day-traders as coyness.
Or perhaps you are the one who's shy, ImpulseNYC. Perhaps you are reaching out to me in friendship, and I am recoiling not from disgust at your hard-partying ways, but rather in the same fear of intimacy that has kept me from enjoying the friendship of all the others who have tried to get closer to me via their mass e-mail lists - the mortgage brokers, the Irish Lottery "YOU WON JACKPOT" guys, the no-fee credit card lenders, the Nigerian princes attempting to dispose of their fathers' fortunes, and yes, even the army of "re:Viagagraha" peddlers.
Have no fear, ImpulseNYC; the fact that my end of the conversation has always been silent is not a personal rejection of your friendship, but rather a complete lack of interest in attending any of your events.
Thank you your e-mail, hope to see you in the future,
Yours etcetera and run off three copies of that Grace -
*with the exception of this one, clearly
* * * * *
That anti-stem cell research ad I was telling youse guys about (thanks Charles).
Please note that this ad has an appearance from a Major League Baseball pitcher, an NFL quarterback, and a guy who played Jesus in a movie a couple of years ago. You know who they don't have speaking out against stem-cell research? Actual doctors and scientists.
I mean, don't get me wrong, when I was a kid and had appendicitis, my parents drove me to Darryl Strawberry's house to get it removed, but in general, I'm going to say that you can leave medical science to people who don't get their brains knocked out for a living.
And you might say, "But isn't this just a response to an ad starring Michael J. Fox, a movie star?" Yeah, but he's a movie star with Parkinson's. He might have done a little bit of research over the years.