Monday, October 16, 2006
RESUME YOUR LIVES
The trick to writing a resume is exaggerating your accomplishments. Like, if I were honest on my resume, it would read:
"2004 - ROPER STARCH WORLDWIDE - Hated my job so much, I went out drinking every night. Once got home in time to wake up for work in the morning. Was trying to save sick days for upcoming vacation, so came into work drunk. Ended up taking a nap on toilet for three hours and no one noticed. Realized monkey in Dockers could do job as well as I could."
But that's not the resume of a winner. So I just wrote:
"2004 - ROPER STARCH WORLDWIDE - Cured AIDS."
The worst is getting caught lying on your resume in a job interview. Because it's just awkward:
"Mr. McEneaney, your resume says you were CEO of IBM from 2000 - 2005. Which is a little odd, considering that you're applying for a job at IBM. It just doesn't make sense that you would leave this company as CEO and then apply for a job here doing data entry.
"Also, on your resume it says that from 1972 through 1981 you were the star of M*A*S*H? And that you left that to become - Pope?
"And may I say that I really am impressed by this letter of reference from the Archbishop of Canterbury. You would think, being the Archbishop of Canterbury, he could spell the word 'Archbishop.' Or 'Pope.' Or 'Hello.'
"It's almost as impressive as this letter of reference from the Cardinal of St. Louis - Albert Pujols. Written in red crayon. On Grafield stationary. I guess God hates Mondays, too."
* * * * *
Things are pretty tense for Mets fans right now. But I'd like to remind you of another Mets team that had fallen heind in a postseason series; had seemed, in fact, like it was beaten, done-for, gone for good. It was Game Six of the World Series, and it looked so bad for the Mets that Shea Stadium had already put up a sign on the scoreboard congratulating the Red Sox.
Instead, at the bottom of the 10th inning, the NY Mets created true baseball magic. Enjoy the recreation of that inning using the audio from the broadcast fo that game, acted out by the players from the old Nintendo RBI Baseball game:
And here's a real-life portrayal of that game from the Ric Burn Baseball documentary:
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"2004 - ROPER STARCH WORLDWIDE - Hated my job so much, I went out drinking every night. Once got home in time to wake up for work in the morning. Was trying to save sick days for upcoming vacation, so came into work drunk. Ended up taking a nap on toilet for three hours and no one noticed. Realized monkey in Dockers could do job as well as I could."
But that's not the resume of a winner. So I just wrote:
"2004 - ROPER STARCH WORLDWIDE - Cured AIDS."
The worst is getting caught lying on your resume in a job interview. Because it's just awkward:
"Mr. McEneaney, your resume says you were CEO of IBM from 2000 - 2005. Which is a little odd, considering that you're applying for a job at IBM. It just doesn't make sense that you would leave this company as CEO and then apply for a job here doing data entry.
"Also, on your resume it says that from 1972 through 1981 you were the star of M*A*S*H? And that you left that to become - Pope?
"And may I say that I really am impressed by this letter of reference from the Archbishop of Canterbury. You would think, being the Archbishop of Canterbury, he could spell the word 'Archbishop.' Or 'Pope.' Or 'Hello.'
"It's almost as impressive as this letter of reference from the Cardinal of St. Louis - Albert Pujols. Written in red crayon. On Grafield stationary. I guess God hates Mondays, too."
* * * * *
Things are pretty tense for Mets fans right now. But I'd like to remind you of another Mets team that had fallen heind in a postseason series; had seemed, in fact, like it was beaten, done-for, gone for good. It was Game Six of the World Series, and it looked so bad for the Mets that Shea Stadium had already put up a sign on the scoreboard congratulating the Red Sox.
Instead, at the bottom of the 10th inning, the NY Mets created true baseball magic. Enjoy the recreation of that inning using the audio from the broadcast fo that game, acted out by the players from the old Nintendo RBI Baseball game:
And here's a real-life portrayal of that game from the Ric Burn Baseball documentary:
