The Liam McEneaney Experience

One of my favorite Bob Dylan songs is actually one of his less popular, I and I. And sometimes I hum a stanza that resonates strongest with me, because it reminds me of my chosen career path:

"Took an untrodden path once,
Where the swift don't win the race.
Instead it goes to the worthy,
Who can divide the word of truth."

I'm not entirely sure that comedy is a race that always goes to the worthy, but it's a hope that keeps me going.

When I was very young, I used to be really scared of the monster that lived under my bed. And so I'd call for my dad, and wake him up.

And I guess one night he got sick of it, because he said, "Liam, there's no monster under your bed. The monster in the closet ate him. Now go back to bed, wussy."

* * * * *

I saw an ad for MONSTER BALLADS. And at the end of the ad, it said, "Call now for RUSH DELIVERY!"

Is there someone out there who really needs RUSH DELIVERY on his Monster Ballads album?

"Listen, I needed that Monster Ballads yesterday, okay? Sex in the back of my van doesn't happen by itself. I've already got a lava lamp, a shag rug, and a case of Rheingold Beer, but if I don't have that Monster Ballads I might as well not even bring the 16 year-old cashier from the Arby's on the highway. Look, I'm a busy man, I've got a lot of windshields to wipe, so let's get on this chop-chop."

* Here they are, the 50 Best Alt. Rock Videos of 2005 as voted by some guys in Copenhagen who have a lot of bandwidth to spare. You can spend a (very) good day on this site.

* You know why New York City is the greatest city in the world? Four words: All Female Accordian Orchestra. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Main Squeeze.

* My friend Kambri has a deaf father in a Texas prison for attempted murder, and she's got a ton of letters and stories, and now she's sharing it all on her new blog, Love, Daddy.

* Warren St. John is improbably handsome for a professional writer, but he wrote a book about crazy sports fans called "Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer," where he followed an Alabama college football team in an RV caravan. His Fanopticon collects funny and crazy stories of devoted fans and their insane behaviours.

* The Pope has a blog where you can ask him anything.

* In a similar vein, Lou Reed also has a blog where he also writes things that are improbably and crazily out of character! By the way, the "fake celebrity blog" thing is about to get seriously old, but please enjoy the trend while it's still kinda funny.

* * * * *

DID SOMEONE SAY KICKASS COMEDY SHOW???!!!!!

JANUARY 30th
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

WITH YOUR MC - Josh Hanness

AND:
Jim Gaffigan
Jim Gaffigan's Comedy Central one hour special airs January 29th. He has appeared on "The Late Show w/ David Letterman" eleven times, as well as "Late Night With Conan O'Brien," "Late, Late Show With Craig Kilborn", "Comedy Central Presents: Jim Gaffigan," and more movies and commercials and TV shows than you can shake a stick at.

Liam McEneaney
from Comedy Central's "Premium Blend," "Best Week Ever," and a writer for "Friday Night w/ Greg Giraldo"

Erin Foley
as seen on "Premium Blend," and in the movie "Almost Famous"

Eric Kirchberger
From "Premium Blend," and a ton of commercials

Wendy The Ho
The rapping ho.

AND OUR MUSICAL GUEST:
The Hazzards
The Hazzards have appeared on Comedy Central's "Out on the Edge" hosted by Alan Cumming, and on Comedy Central's "The World Stands Up." Their video "Gay Boyfriend" was an Internet sensation, getting over one million downloads in its first three months live on the InterWeb; it was later remixed as a EuroPop Dance tune, and reached the UK charts at #67, ahead of some crap song by Seal. They played at the Kennedy Center Honors for Steve Martin, and Anne from The Hazzards sang the national anthem before a Red Sox game. They promise that this appearance marks the debut of a new song about boners.

AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com
* The Onion says, "Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows. Demetri Martin, Slovin & Allen, and Late Night With Conan O'Brien writer Brian Kiley are among the stand-ups who have squeezed into Lolita's narrow space since the show's debut this summer, alongside the surprisingly tolerable resident folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson."

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

My great-uncle Seamus was a gangster in 1930s Chicago. He was a terrible gangster.
He hung with guys nicknamed "Bugsy," and "Killer," and "Legs."
His nickname was "Hugs."
Seamus "Hugs" McEneaney.

He was not the most respected gangster.
The Valentine's Day Massacre was where Al Capone famously had seven of Bugs Moran's guys killed on Valentine's Day.
Less famous was where Capone then had two guys go over to my uncle's place and tell him that they only liked him as a friend.
It destroyed "Hugs" - for, like, a week.

My uncle hated the nickname "Hugs" - he was more of a cuddler - and so he entered the Foreign Nickname Exchange Program, where he sent his nickname to Sicily and hosted a foreign mobster's nickname for six months.
His nickname was "Coperto di Peluri Coniglio." Which he loved until he discovered that it translated to "Fluffy Bunny."

His boss once told him to hold up a big bank.
So he waited until there was only one teller working, and he deposited a big jar full of pennies.

He had to fix a horse race, so he decided to make the favorite lame. He put it in a spangled sweatband, checkered slacks, and a shirt that read "YAAAAY ICE CREAM!"
It won by thirteen lengths. It had to run extra fast from all the other horses going to kick its ass.

He was once ordered to rub out Bugsy Siegel. But he had a bad phone connection and ended up giving the guy a rubdown.
Six months later, they bought a cabin together in Vermont.

The law finally caught up with him, and he was brought to trial. They called a lot of underworld witnesses who all lied.
Not to protect him, but just so no one would think he was with their gang.
"Listen see? I'll never tell who - staged a breakout from the state - petting zoo. Please - just don't. I got a kid I'm trying to put through reform school."

It was the first time a 37 year-old man ever got sentenced to Juvie. Chicago had a lot of civic pride in its gangsters, and they tried to turn him around and become a hard case.

Man, I gotta stop writing these silly, silly jokes. This one was most definitely a silly!

I have a secret guilty pleasure, and it's reading the NY Craig's List online (free) personal ads.

The great thing about Craig's List personals is that they will always make you feel immediately better about your own worth as a human being. Because I'll have moments where I'll be like, "That sixteen year-old is hot! Oh my God - what's wrong with me? I'm a terrible human being!"

And then I'll read the Craig's List personals, and there'll be a guy saying, "WATCH ME JERK OFF IN A HAUNTED HOUSE! I need someone to make scary ghost noises while I masturbate!"

It's like the world's worst support group, because no matter what kind of fucked-up shit you think you're looking for, there's ten guys who will immediately top you:
"I want to fuck a salad."
"If you're gonna fuck a salad, you want to put a tape recorder in there so it sounds like it's screaming."
"Whoa, relax, I want to fuck a salad, but that don't make me no sicko."

Anyway, occasionally I'll find a special ad on Craig's List and save it so I never forget. Here's one I found a few weeks ago:

No photographs. I really want to spend some time with you if you like to play with boobs. Mine need a lot of attention. I keep rubbing them myself, and really wish someone else were around to help.

I also am looking for a new job. If you think you could help me out with both things, that would be even better.

Let me know what your educational background is and what your position is in your career.

Okay, first of all, I'm trying to imagine how you introduce that new hire: "Gentlemen of the Board, may I introduce you to our new Vice President of Finance. What? 'What's her experience?' Check out this rack! That's a lifetime of experience right there!"

Also, I love that she said "Let me know what your educational background is." Because when you're trying to titty-fuck your way to a new career, you're really in a big position to be fussy. Headhunters are constantly saying, "Well this guy has an MBA from Harvard Business School. But according to this woman's cover letter, her boobs need a lot of attention. Damn, what a Sophie's Choice this is going to be!"

And according to her headline ("My Career Needs a Boost, and my titties need a suck") she's 37 years old. You know what? At that point in your titty career, maybe a temp agency's the right choice for you.

Now the best part is that I actually was going to read this at Tell Your Friends! last week, and I'd printed it out and brought it with me, and I was writing notes to myself on it, and then when I got to the show I realized that I'd left it on the subway car seat along with a newspaper. Which is bad, because I know the person next to me picked it up to take a look at it when I got out, and they were just like, "Oh my God! This guy's either a huge pervert, or in a real position to help somebody's career!"

I forgot to put up a link to my last appearance on Keith and the Girl, which is a damn shame as it was so much fun. Please listen to it here.

In fact, it was so much fun, we're going to be Podcasting Tell Your Friends! next month.

I saw a guy with a sideways baseball cap the other day.
I don't know where he was going, but I'm guessing it was 1987.
"Say hi to everyone on Beat Street for me!"

* * * * *

I live in a city where all the Mexican restaurants are run by Chinese people, and the Chinese restaurants are staffed by Mexicans.

It's like a fast-food exchange program.

* * * * *

I'm not sure I'll ever have a kid, but if I do I want it to be for the right reasons. Like, I'm lonely. Or I need a tax deduction.

* * * * *

Any job that requires you to wear a uniform isn't going to be a lot of fun.

McDonald's, Starbucks, the police, the army, anyone wearing a uniform ultimately doesn't look very happy.

Because whether you work for fast food, or the Army, eventually someone's going to come to your place of work and threaten to shoot you.

* * * * *

I hate people who are angry for no good reason.
Whenever I meet one of those people, it makes me want to punch somebody.

Mostly because it's a job where you get so much ass they had to put it in the job title twice.
LOL! SIDEWAYS SMILEY FACE!!!!!!!!!

Why yes, I agree, that is the most hilarious thing ever in the history of comedy.
Okay, let me start this joke over, as it's already gone off the rails.

I trained to be an assassin for the CIA, but I quit halfway through the training, because apparently they swear you to an oath of secrecy.
I mean, what's the point of having a really cool job like that if you can't use it to pick up women?
"Oh yeah, what do I do? Oh, I kill. People. For a little company, the CIA, have you heard of it? Yeah, trained to kill a man thirty ways. Got a big job coming up next week, President of Peru. You'll probably read about it in the papers."

They train you to kill a man thirty ways, but I dropped out by number 16 - lock him in a room with a Celine Dion CD playing on endless loop.
I did like number 7 - read him a collection of George Will columns until he's bored to death.

* * * * *

Hear that joke and maybe something actually funny this week at:

JANUARY 23rd
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

WITH YOUR MC - that hippy, Dave Baldwin

AND:
Mr. Brian Kiley
as seen on the "Tonight Show." Mr. Brian Kiley is a writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien"

Liam McEneaney
from Comedy Central's "Premium Blend," "Best Week Ever," and a writer for "Friday Night w/ Greg Giraldo"

Jesse Joyce
who is a touring national headliner and a very funny guy.

Adam Cole-Kelly
from The Rejection Show and the writing staff of "Friday Night w/ Greg Giraldo"

Livia Scott
reading childrens' letters to OJ

And the musical comedy of Stuckey & Murray
as seen at The Upright Citizen's Brigade, The Knitting Factory, B.B. King's, their own monthly show at Caroline's, NBC Broadband, The Beaner & Ken, Wolf in The Morning, and The New National Lampoon Radio Hour.

AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com
* The Onion says, "Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows. Demetri Martin, Slovin & Allen, and Late Night With Conan O'Brien writer Brian Kiley are among the stand-ups who have squeezed into Lolita's narrow space since the show's debut this summer, alongside the surprisingly tolerable resident folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson."

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

This thought came into my head this evening; I had just gotten off the train on the subway. Now you have to understand, there's a type of exit that's a floor-to-ceiling turnstile that has metal rods you push. Ito nly goes one way, and it resembles the (blunted of course) blades of a wheat thresher. It looks pretty painful to get your body caught in.

Anyway, there were two women - a mother and a grandmother* - on either end of this thing, and wedged in it was a baby in a stroller. they were unable to push the turnstile one way or the other, and the baby was trapped in the stroller in the turnstile. The mother was ineffectually trying to push the thing (what the hell is it called?), but couldn't do it. Luckily for them, one fella stuck in line behind them took time off from the supportive judgmental glaring we were all engaging in to help them, and they got the baby through.

The kicker? As I walked past them, I realized that the stroller was actually collapsible.

* * * * *

I don't wear a tie because I don't kow how to tie one. When I tell people that, they get really incredulous: "You don't know how to tie a tie? Even monkeys can do that!"
Yes, and I'm sure monkeys are way more qualified than I am to work in an office. I bet there are plenty monkeys out there that can type more than 7 WPM.

Anyway, they always say, "What do you do at weddings and funerals?"
And the answer is; at weddings and funerals, I always show up with my suit all dissheveled and torn, blood and mud all over my face. And I say, "You'll never believe what jus happened. I just had to single-handedly stop a gang from mugging an old lady. Oh, I'm alright, but they stole my tie."


* - If you're a New Yorker, you're trying to guess their ethnicity**. Shame on you.

** - Indian. You were wrong!

Enjoy my friend Tanya's blog.

Let's just say, anyone who starts a post with "Just kidding! I would never deprive my readers of a good mental ward story," is worth reading.

In other words, i was at home watching TV on a Friday night for the first time in probably a decade. And holy shit, did you know that Cops is still on the air? After over fifteen years, and it's still the same exact show that it was when it first came on the air - hick cops in the middle of nowhere cruising the nation's trailer parks and meth labs, wrestling skinny guys in wifebeaters and no pants to the ground.

By the way, I want to take this moment to acknowledge that I am aware that making fun of Cops is the post-'89 version of the airplane joke.

That being said, this show should be called Cops On Their Best Behaviour, because no way these cops would act the same way if the cameras weren't on them.

Okay, there's these two lily-white cops in the South, and they pull over a huge Hispanic guy, big A-Rod-looking motherfucker. The guy has crack literally all over his shirt. He's spitting out crack because he was just trying to swallow it when the cops pulled him over. In the front seat of his car he has big bricks of crack.

Now, first thing the cops did when they pulled him over was say, "Excuse me sir, do want us to call an ambulance for you? You appear to have been swallowing some crack." And the did not add, "because yew gonna die boy, so mebbe instead of an ambulance we should call you a hearse."

And the guy was cool, he was like, "Yeah, that's my crack." And then - and here's where he had balls, because he's handcuffed on camera with crack all over him - he glances at the camera and then the cop and then he says, "Do you mind if I go back into my car to get my girlfriend's phone number?"

And for a split-second I thought, "Okay, this is finally the episode where shit gets ugly. We're going to see a cop lose his shit and beat some respect into this guy."
Instead, and you can see this pass over his face like a small tidal pool, the cop collects himself and says, "My partner will get that for you, sir."

All I'm saying is that if you want Cops to really be entertaining, it should be a hidden camera show.

I will be appearing on Keith and the Girl tonight at midnight.

It's a fantastic show, with something like 500,000 subscribers. Past guests have included Dane Cook and Doug Stanhope.

Plus you can CALL-IN LIVE AND TALK TO YOUR IDOL (ME)! Just like the old Donahue show.
The number is 646-502-8682.

Or you can say hi at their chat room.

See you at midnight.

JANUARY 16th
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

WITH YOUR MC - Baron Vaughn

AND:
Andy Borowitz
the creator of "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air," and seen on VH1's "Best Week Ever," and a writer for "The New Yorker," as well as the Thurber Prize winner for best humor book

Liam McEneaney
from Comedy Central's "Premium Blend," "Best Week Ever," and a writer for "Friday Night w/ Greg Giraldo"

Matt O'Brien
a writer for Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, "TV Funhouse" on Saturday Night Live, and "Friday Night w/ Greg Giraldo"

Rob Paravonian
a touring national headiner, who has appeared on VH1 and an unprecedented two times on "Premium Blend"

Jesse Joyce
a touring national headliner, very funny guy

Claudia Cogan
from Sirius Satellite radio, the UCB Theatre, and more...

AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com
* The Onion says, "Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows. Demetri Martin, Slovin & Allen, and Late Night With Conan O'Brien writer Brian Kiley are among the stand-ups who have squeezed into Lolita's narrow space since the show's debut this summer, alongside the surprisingly tolerable resident folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson."

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

So Fundamentalist Christians want to change the name of "fundamentalism" because apparently it's become associated with negative traits like racism, homophobia, xenophobia, ignorance. And they want to change it to something innocuous, which I can't remember right now because I gave that issue of The New Yorker to my mom.

But my point is, you can't ruin your good name and then expect to be allowed to change it. Like, a guy can't go to prison and when he gets out just change his name to Johnny Niceguynevercommittedacrime.

So if the Fundamentalists want to change their name, fine. But I think the rest of the country should get to pick what they get to call themselves, and if it wins then they HAVE to use that name.

My choice? Since they're always going on and on about how they love this country because it was created by their God, they should call themselves "The Flaggots."
And to emphasize their religious devotion, their slogan can be, "Oh my God, I'm simply divine!"

Oh, you're welcome America. What about you? What do you think the Fundamentalists should be called?

I've never done any kind of drugs - marijuana, cocaine, LSD, and I blame this on the fact that I was probably the only kid of my entire generation dumb enough to believe all that anti-drug hype.

So what happened was, in the '80s crack started sweeping the ghettos. And then white kids started doing it, so the government got upset, and started this War Against Drugs. And they would have cops come - in full uniform wearing a gun - to our classroom once or twice a year and warn us about drugs.

But it was almost like they were selling the drugs; they would bring a suitcase with a display of all the kinds of drugs you could buy, and describe how great they are;

"Alright kids, drugs are evil and don't let no one tell you otherwise. First of all, this is crack. Crack gets you real high real fast, but it also makes you crash real fast so you're gonna want to have another hit ready to go. Luckily, crack is real cheap, like five dollars a rock. Some people end up stealing from their own families, VCRs and jewelry, to pay for their crack habit, so all I'm going to tell you kids is, my wife wants a diamond necklace for Christmas.

"This is acid, or 'LSD.' It makes you taste colors and see flavors. It basically creates hallucinations that are five hundred times better than any movie you'll ever watch. Yes, even Roger Rabbit. You never ever want to do LSD - unless you're with a friend you can trust. Now, some people will tell you that LSD is col, but let me tell you a story, a story about a kid named James who thought he could 'handle' taking a 'trip.' So he 'dropped a tab,' and he thought he could fly. And he saw a beam of moonlight come through an open window, and then he wrote a song about it and made a million dollars off it. Now he owns an island, so watch out for that.

"Now, this is mushrooms, and - hey, where'd the 'shrooms go? Oh yeah, I forgot, Mary's going-away party.

"This is the dreaded killer weed marijuana. Now, you'll hear some people say marijuana is alright because it's fun and not addictive...

"Do any of you have any questions for me?"

Have you ever done drugs?
"Ye - no. And neither has your teacher. No, the only people you'll know about who've done drugs are rock stars and actors."

But the thing is, being kids, we didn't really give a shit about drugs, so our questions would kind of go everywhere:
Can I touch your gun?
"Are you eighteen, little girl? Ha ha."

Did you ever shoot anybody?
"No kids, as a police officer, you want to leave shooting someone as a last resort because of a little something called 'paperwork.' That can eat up two three hours of your life. Now, if there's no more questions about drugs, I'm gonna go. And remember, Just Say No!"

* * * * *

Oh God, they would also have anti-drug "special assemblies," where a speaker would come out. He would always sound like one of those guys on an infomercial, only instead of selling real estate in Florida, he'd be selling the idea of not doing drugs.

"Now, kids, I know there's a lot of talk about how doing drugs makes you 'cool' and 'hip'. But look at me - I'm wearing a sweater tied around my Docker khakis, and do you think I do drugs?"
And we would say in unison, "NOOOOO."

And the guy would give us a list of activities we could do instead of drugs. And the list was always stuff like, "Volunteer with the elderly. Organize a community sing. Create a Tiddlywinks League in your school." And all these activities had one thing in common - they are all only made bearable when you're high.

And at some point, the guy would say something like, "Okay kids, I have a SPECIAL SURPRISE musical guest. Now I know we're all 'down' with rap music right? Who here likes rap music? Who here likes Run-DMC? Who here likes Heavy D? Then you're going to love our special musical guest, HOMEBOY HARRY!"

Homeboy Harry, a middle-aged blak guy in a backwards baseball cap and Heathcliff Huxtable sweater, comes walking out and says:
"I don't do dope or LSD,
'Cause I'm high on positivity.
Crack is wack and that's a fact,
You wanna stay on track I got your back.
So play an instrument or play some sports,
And tell crack-cocaine to eat your shorts!
Stayin' off drugs is fresh, don't you know,
If they offer you drugs, kids, JUST SAY NO!"

And I would be sitting there, a seven, eight year-old kid, thinking, "Drugs have got to be better than this."
________________

* Smothers Brothers, late '80s. On the later incarnation of their Variety Hour, Tommy (?) Smothers had a "character" named "Yo-Yo Man" who was Tommy (?) Smothers doing yo-yo tricks. As a child, I must say I was very entertained.

Hey all, so I was so sick this past few days I couldn't get out of bed. In fact, looking back, I'm not entirely sure how I managed Friday's post.

Tomorrow I'll probably be back. Meanwhile, why not come out to see this show tonight? You know - if you think you're brave enough.

JANUARY 9th
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

WITH YOUR MC - Baron Vaughn

AND:
Todd Hanson
head writer for "The Onion"

Leo Allen
from "Comedy Central Presents" and a writer for "Saturday Night Live"

Tony Camin
from "The Marijuanalogues," "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien," "Tough Crowd," and more shows that I'm too lazy to research right now.

Liam McEneaney
from "Premium Blend," "Best Week Ever," and a writer for "Friday Night w/ Greg Giraldo"

Rachel Feinstein
from "Premium Blend" and "Shorties Watchin' Shorties"

AND OUR SPECIAL MUSICAL GUEST:
Pete Fitzpatrick, from the band Clem Snide

AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com
* The Onion says, "Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows. Demetri Martin, Slovin & Allen, and Late Night With Conan O'Brien writer Brian Kiley are among the stand-ups who have squeezed into Lolita's narrow space since the show's debut this summer, alongside the surprisingly tolerable resident folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson."

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

So no comedy today. Sorry. Or you're welcome, depending on your attitude.
Instead, please enjoy these links:

* Do you like the BBC's The Office? How about HBO's Extras? Then you'll probably enjoy the weekly podcast from those shows' creators, Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.

* Hey Bill Hicks fans! Or non-fans who want to know about one of the most influential figures in modern standup comedy. Here's a veritable treasure trove of Hicks' live performances.

* Douglas Adams was amazing - he had one good idea and it turned into an entire industry. If you enjoy The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and if you're reading my blog, odds are you do, then you should download the original BBC radio series that started it all. Also included are radio shows based on Life, The Universe, and Everything and So Long, and Thanks For All The Fish.

* What are snotty hipsters laughing at? Why, it's People, Let Me Get This Off My Chest, the album that features Kiss' Paul Stanley's amazing crowd work and song intros. To read a write-up of this album, check out my buddy Todd Tremble's blog here. Then download the album here.

See you Monday!

Not in the sense that it shouldn't be tested on animals; more in the sense that it shouldn't give some women false hope.
just with a name like, "Pantene's This Won't Fix A Crooked Nose For Women," or "Loreal's No Replacement For A Shitty Personality."

At the least, makeup should come with tester strips where, if you stick it into the makeup and goes more than half an inch, you'll know you have too much makeup on.

* * * * *

Youth is wasted on the young.
And so are all my lectures about the evils of fluoridated water.
Dagnab you kids, get off my lawn willya?!!!

* * * * *

I've given up on finding a woman to love me.
Instead, I've decided to try to convince my friends who are in happy relationships that they've made a mistake, by relating all of my crazy singles adventures. But the problem is that all of my crazy single adventures are kind of, well, sad:
"Oh man, last night I went crazy. I ate so much Chinese food I got sick and I couldn't stop farting. Ha, I bet your wife wouldn't let you do that."

No Liam, I guess she wouldn't, because she loves me.

"I knew it! The other night i went to this bar, and struck up a conversation with a beautiful woman and - not to make you feel completely jealous - but within five minutes, I swear to God, in five minutes she was ready to go home - with this other guy. Then I went home and cried while masturbating. Sorry, were you just rolling your eyes with jealousy? I guess you regret your lifetime commitment to happiness now, huh?"

* * * * *

OK, this wasn't my strongest post. I'm just getting back in the post-holiday swing of things.

In 2004, one of our Southwestern states hosted a congressional race between Democratic candidate Mary O’Donnel and Republican candidate Brian Farnsworth. The election was particularly nasty, featuring a round-robin of progressively uglier attack ads. Funnily enough, as these things go, the opposing candidates fell in love halfway through the election and got married shortly thereafter.

The problem is that, now that they’re married, the only way they know how to communicate is through attack ads. Whenever they have a fight, the local airwaves still play host to a rough exchange of nasty ads. Here, then, is a transcript of the most recent exchange, as transcribed from the Internet:

The first volley is from Brian Farnsworth’s camp:
Mary O’Donnel claims that it’s Brian Farnsworth’s turn to take out the garbage, but let’s look at the facts. According to the chore schedule, Brian Farnsworth has clearly washed the dishes three times this week when Mary O’Donnel claimed she was “too tired.”

“Too tired” to wash the dishes, Mary O’Donnel? I think the American people are tired - tired of the same old song-and-dance from their elected officials. Isn’t about time for the voters to take out the trash? When it comes time to decide who’s right in this argument, vote for Brian Farnsworth.

Paid for by The Committee to Let Mary O’Donnel Take Out the Garbage Once in a While.

O’Donnel fired back almost immediately with this ad:
Brian Farnsworth says he wants help clean up, but when’s the last time he picked his underwear up off the floor? Mary O’Donnel would like to say Brian Farnsworth should clean up after himself because his mother doesn’t live with them. But oh wait, it seems that she does. When Delilah Farnsworth came to visit, she said she was only staying for a few days. That was three weeks ago, and during that time she hasn’t lifted a finger to help around the house.

Chip off the old block much, Brian Farnsworth?

Delilah Farnsworth shows no interest in leaving their home, just like Brian Farnsworth’s underwear shows no interest in leaving their bedroom floor. No one wants to see Brian Farnsworth’s dirty laundry aired in public, so let’s vote Delilah Farnsworth out of the house, and vote Mary O’Donnel correct in the argument.

Paid for by Friends of Mary O’Donnel Who Have Discussed This with Her in Detail for Hours.

That’s when Brian Farnsworth brought out the big guns:
When Brian Farnsworth met Mary O’Donnel, the world was a different place. The economy was in good shape and so was she. But just as the federal deficit has ballooned out of control, so has Mary O’Donnel, gaining upwards of forty pounds.
Now, Brian Farnsworth will be the first person to embrace change, but how can he embrace something when he can’t even get his arms around it?

If you bought a car and five months later its trunk was dragging too close to the ground, you’d take it back to the dealership. Then again, maybe it’s just carrying too much junk back there.

If you want to leave this argument in the fudge-stained hands of someone who can’t control her own brownie consumption, vote for Mary O’Donnel. When it comes to maintaining his integrity, and his original marriage weight, there’s only one choice - Brian Farnsworth.

Paid for the Brian Farnsworth Committee to Address the – Ahem – Elephant in the Room.

Fortunately, O’Donnel’s people were not afraid to sling mud:
The next orgasm Mary O’Donnel has will be her first. Or at least, her first with Brian Farnsworth. How can Brian Farnsworth hope to satisfy the American people in an elected office when he can’t even satisfy his own wife in the bedroom? How can he hope to find funds to fight terrorists when he can’t even find her clitoris?

Speaking of hot-button issues, yes Mary O’Donnel has been seen in public with fudge, but at least chocolate knows how to hit the spot and satisfy every time – which is more than she can say for Brian Farnsworth.

Brian Farnsworth says Mary O’Donnel has never taken out the trash, but what about when she paid for Brian and his mother to have dinner this week? Which is now the fourth week since Delilah Farnsworth came to stay for “only a few days.”
When you’re in bed tonight, vote “no” to having sex with Brian Farnsworth, and “yes” to satisfaction.

Paid for by Divorce Lawyers for Half of Brian Farnsworth’s Stuff.

But like all elections, there will always be a winner, and a loser ready to concede defeat:

Hi, I’m Brian Farnsworth. You know, in the heat of a campaign a lot of things get said that perhaps the candidates don’t mean. That’s why I’m here tonight, to appeal directly to you – the American voter. Now, I may have made a point about the importance of changing things, but that didn’t include the locks to my house.

The country has seen a lot of disturbing news recently; CNN reports that the country’s at war, The New York Times reports on domestic eavesdropping, and my wife’s best friend reports that Mary O’Donnel is pregnant.

That’s why I’ve paid for this airtime, to make a direct plea – we have a lot of important work left undone. Yes, it’s time for this country and its government, to make concessions; Delilah Farnsworth has unilaterally declared her withdrawal from the occupied territories of the guest bedroom. The dishes have been wiped clean, as I can only hope the slate will be. And so for the sake of our children, and our children’s children, I ask that you reelect me, Brian Farnsworth, as your husband, so that together we can build a road to Better Tomorrowland.