The Liam McEneaney Experience

I was indoors on this beautiful weekend, writing, writing.
But it's good news for you guys, because YouTube has become my new favorite procrastination tool. So here's some of my favorite videos that I've found:

Santo Gold


Santo Gold was apparently this late-night infomercial that ran in the '70s. It was an ad for:
a) a multilevel jewelry marketing business opportunity
b) an ad for a sci-fi wrestling movie
and c) an ad for a "rock star" named Santo Gold
For more information, please read this Santo Gold website.

* * * * *

Richard Pryor Does An Extremely Awkward Interview On Coke


Richard Pryor was a master at mixing pathos into his comedy, but this clip is just kinda sad. Apparently there were audio problems with the interview in the morning, so the guy came back after Pryor's "lunch." Yikes!

* * * * *

Bill Cosby's First TV Set Ever On The Jack Paar Show


I think he'd been doing comedy for something like six months at this point. All hail The Great and All-Powerful Cos!

* * * * *

Any Bob Dylan Fan's Fantasy Come True


At a Bob Dylan concert, a fan jumps onstage and joins him in singing "The Times They Are A' Changing." Security tries to escort her away, but Dylan waves them away. The crowd goes nuts. Dylan is still the coolest.

* * * * *

Tom Waits Does A Dog Food Commercial


I don't know who at Purina thought this wouldn't be the creepiest thing ever, but here it is. If you want your dog to be a mass-murderer, this is the dog food for you.

It's actually just riding a stationary bike while an instructor yells at you through a microphone, but apparently the reason they call it "Spinning" is because that's what the room does when you're done.

Is it possible to be raped by a bicycle seat? Because I swear it went right for my most tender virginal areas. I mean, not that I can't handle the pain, but usually I need a safe word so it knows when I've had enough.

Seriously, the inside of my ass is sore as hell this morning, not to gross you guys out or turn you on or make you consider hiring me for porn.

On the other hand, now I see why gay guys love the gym!

Wow, what a way to lead you guys into a three-day weekend. Happy Memorial Day everybody!

MONDAY, MAY 29
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

WITH
Todd Barry
has been seen on two "Comedy Central Presents" specials, "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien," "The Late Show w/ David Letterman," "Wonder Showzen," and a truly delightful segment on "Sesame Street."

Christian Finnegan
has been seen on his own "Comedy Central Presents" half-hour special, he's your favorite commentator on VH1's "Best Week Ever," he was Chad The White Guy on Chappelle's Show's "Mad Real World Sketch," and much more.

Tom Shillue
has been seen on his own Comedy Central Presents half-hour special, Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, and The Daily Show, as well as many commercials.

Liam McEneaney
is a writer for Standup Nation w/ Greg Giraldo, and has been seen on Best Week Ever and Premium Blend

Allison Castillo
has been seen on Premium Blend and Best Week Ever

AND OF COURSE, OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ballsize Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new showand 'workout comedy room'is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com
* The Onion says, "Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows. Demetri Martin, Slovin & Allen, and Late Night With Conan O'Brien writer Brian Kiley are among the stand-ups who have squeezed into Lolita's narrow space since the show's debut this summer, alongside the surprisingly tolerable resident folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson."

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

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I went fishing the other day and I caught a mermaid.
A lot of people want to know what kind of bait I used - a green card.

She also had a mer-dog, which as you know, is a creature with the top half of a dog, and the bottom half of a woman. I didn't know which end to have sex with!

It was surprisingly easy to tell my mom that I was marrying a mermaid.
I told her, "You know, this girl I'm in love with, she's a salmon."
And my mom said, "So long as she's Jewish."

I really like this joke, although I can certainly see the argument for me being the only one.

I know a guy who's a second-generation vegetarian - his parents were both vegans. He was raised so vegetarian, he was actually breast-fed on rice milk.

* * * * *

I'm not an animal rights guy, but I find carriage horses in New York City to be ridiculous. I mean, sure it made sense in the 19th century when we didn't have cars, but now it's just cruel to those poor horses.

I think if you want to take a carriage horse ride, that's fine, but you should also be forced to endure things from the 19th Century, like incurable TB, and working in a factory when you're 7.

Sorry to neglect you me boyos - I've been super-busy, and I'm actually writing a longer entry for tomorrow, but meanwhile, here's some jokes I wrote about the news that never made it onto Stand-Up Nation. You'll see why:

Bush’s approval ratings dropped last week to its lowest yet – 29%. Which means that his ratings are now lower than The Surreal Life.
That’s right, less Americans approve of the way Bush is handling the war in Iraq than approve of the way Florence Henderson is handling the war between Tawny Kitaen and Alexis Arquette.

Republicans are urging Bush to keep illegal immigrants out of the US, so they don’t steal any jobs from the illegal immigrants already working on their lawns and pools.

My biggest problem with the plan to send the Guard to patrol the Mexican border?
Bush has kind of a bad record when it comes to sending troops out into the desert.
The last time he suggested that, we were told the troops were going to be greeted as saviours with roses. The only people who would throw roses at our troops down in Mexico are currently growing them in Southern California.

Mexican President Fox called Bush out of concern over the potential of what he called a “militarized border” between the two countries. He then called Dick Cheney to ask if they wanted a President who would work for two dollars an hour.

* * * * *

Couples from all around the world are coming to the US to have designer babies – babies genetically engineered so the parents get to choose what sex their baby will be.
And I think any reasonable person’s reaction would be: U-S-A! U-S-A! In your face, people trying to cure AIDS or solve world hunger.

I was on the subway home the other night. Sitting near me was a stocky woman in her late '30s, short dyed-blonde hair, dressed in a track suit and carrying a big mesh bag filled with soccer balls. She was listening to a Discman that was blasting that Jock Jam that goes, "Y'all ready for this?"

It's like she was coming out to the entire subway car all at once.

* * * * *

I was sitting in Starbucks, writing - yes, I live the life of the mind - and I had the good fortune of sitting next to a flamboyantly gay guy who was having coffee with his mother. And I don't mean to stereotype, but if you're wearing a skin-tight black shirt over a well-toned body, one hand foppishly gesturing, your legs crossed, and you're speaking like a cross between a Broadway choreographer and a Broadway chorus boy, well, you're gay and it would only take a deaf/dumb/blindness to not notice.

But in case I was just randomly stereotyping, he spent a lot of time complaining about an ex-roommate named Ron who was a chain-smoker. Okay, no one in the history of New York City has willingly lived with a chain-smoker unless they were fucking them. Just no way that kind of roommate situation comes up. "Hey, I didn't notice that everythign in this apartment reeked of tobacco until three days after I moved in. I was too busy pampering my cat Mr. Mittens and planting begonias in my window garden."

At one point, he said, "You know mom, I hate seeing guys cheating on their girlfriends. I'm going to tell you right now; if I'm thirty-five and married and I'm cheating on my wife, you have permission to slap me. I'm giving you that permission right now."

Okay, dude, if you're thirty-five and married to a wife, I give you permission to teabag me.

He also said, and I loved this quote so much I wrote it down, "I went to a therapist for twelve months, and all I did was lie to her. And I'm not even a liar!"

I think you can pretty much dissect this quote for yourself.

MONDAY, MAY 22
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

WITH
Leo Allen
has been seen on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," a Comedy Central Presents 1/2 hour special, and was a writer for "Saturday Night Live" for three years

Laurie Kilmartin
has been seen on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend," and "The USO World Tour," has appeared at the Aspen and Montreal Comedy Festivals, and she was a writer for "The Late Late Show" and "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn".

Liam McEneaney
is a writer for Standup Nation w/ Greg Giraldo, and has been seen on Best Week Ever and Premium Blend

Tony Camin
writer/performer of the Marijuanalogues (he just toured that show with Tommy Chong) and has appeared at the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen and on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," "Premium Blend," "Jimmy Kimmel Live," and "Tough Crowd."

preparing for an appearance on "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" next week:
Victor Varnado
who is, according to Court TV, America's leading albino actor

and making a rare East Coast appearance
Sean Conroy
as seen on "Conan," "Premium Blend," and a writer for the sitcom, "Love Inc."

AND OF COURSE, OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com
* The Onion says, "Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows. Demetri Martin, Slovin & Allen, and Late Night With Conan O'Brien writer Brian Kiley are among the stand-ups who have squeezed into Lolita's narrow space since the show's debut this summer, alongside the surprisingly tolerable resident folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson."

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

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I was hanging out with some buddies, and my first friend said, "Man, I am a leg man."
And the second guy said, "I'm more of an ass man."
And then I said, "I'm more of a wolf man. aRRROOooooo!!!!!"

* * * * *

I'm a bit of a heavy guy, and peopel always feel comfortable talking to me about their weight problem.
The problem is, I'm not very sympathetic about it, so I have conversation like this:

THEM: I feel fat.
ME: Well, you are fat.

THEM: No, I mean I feel full.
ME: Probably all the insane amounts of food you were pushing into your fat belly.

Went to the doctor yesterday because I was feeling sickly.

He told me that I need to take better care of myself; to sleep more and not get so stressed and eat better and cut down on the alcohol.

In other words, I paid $120 to get a good talking-to from my mom. C'est la guerre.

I visited my aunt in the magical land of Arabia the other day.

She has a magic flying carpet, but it's all white so I had to take my shoes off first.

I rubbed a magic lamp, and out popped a genie, who said I could have any three wishes I wanted.
Now, you have to be careful when you make a wish with a genie.
My first wish was to have the body of an athlete who worked out all the time, which I got. And it took methree hours to bury it.

My second wish was to have a chest full of treasure. Next thing I knew, I had 56 DDD boobs with solid gold implants. With the cost of gold down, they barely covered the cost of the surgeon who removed them.

My third wish, I wished for the power to charm any woman I met.
So he turned my gay.
And it turned out I wasn't even gay; I just enjoyed brunch a lot.

If you haven't seen the show I write for "Stand Up Nation with Greg Giraldo," then you're like most people I'm trying to impress at parties. But it's cool, you should check out this week's show; there's a fantastic interview with comedy legend-in-his-own-time Lewis Black, and there's a (if I may say so myself) really funny blooper reel piece. It's on Comedy Central at 10pm, Eastern time, and the show is interspersed with half-hour comedy specials, so if you turn on Comedy Central and you see Kyle Cease - give it a little patience and the show will come back 'round.

Anyway, I'm not just here to brag about or plug this show, but to brag about the fact that I just started my work-day at a strip club where we did a comedy skit in which I played a character who sits and stares like a perv as a stripper pole-dances.

Not the worst way to start your day. Although, and no one believes me when I say this, I'm not a huge fan of strip clubs, and other than Wiggles, the strip club I performed in last year (performed comedy, thank you. I'm retired from "the business"), I haven't been to one in years and years.

The first time I ever went to a strip club was with my buddy Evan. We went to Francis Lewis High School together. He was in a not-so-great band called You Be You, and one night they performed at a place called "The Village Vault," which was located, obviously, in Whitestone, Queens.

Where's Whitestone in relation to where I live? You know how, in old madrigals and folk tales, you hear of a perilous journey to a land so far away that it's populated by dragons and fairy folk? Whitestone would have been three stops past that on the bus. So my dad drove me out there, and dropped me off. Nothing like arriving at a rock gig with your dad telling you to call him if you can't get a ride home. He might have handed me a bag lunch and an apple, for as rock-n-roll as that made me feel. At least my mother didn't dress me in a sailor uniform before I went out (I mean, I have done that, but going to a different Village Vault. Anyway).

So the show goes on and then it's over, and everyone heads home. Soon it's just Evan, his bass teacher (James? I forget. I think I'll call him "James"), and myself. His bass teacher's going to give us a ride home. When we hit Queens Boulevard, somehow the plan becomes, "Let's go to a strip club!"

I'd never gone to a strip club before, and I was somewhat nervous. What if I get carded at the door? What if it's a rip-off joint where they slip stuff in your beer, and I pass out at the bar and have my pockets cut open and I wake up on a tramp steamer bound for the Orient and adventure?

Worse, what if the strippers refused to take their clothes off for me? The women so degraded and drug-abused they take off their clothes for anyone refusing to even talk to me. I don't know if I can handle that kind of rejection.

So we get to the strip club; a hole-in-the-wall joint, not one of your big fancy clubs with the DJs and the lights and chrome and the mirrors but just a dark bar with a big stage in the middle, mirrors lining the walls, bottles of Bud for five bucks, and two attractive women dancing at once, and it's a good time, partly because I'm at a strip club for the first time, but mostly because it's two am on a school night and I'm out with my buddies and I feel terribly adult and adventurous.

About five minutes in, I start to realize how horribly depressing a strip club is; first of all, it's pretty apparent that not only is there no way in hell the strippers are into me - which is fine, whenever an attractive woman's into me it's a pleasant surprise - but they kind of actively loathe their customers and in this cheap little flesh factory they barely bother to conceal it.

So it's just a matter of watching naked women who I can't touch and who would never talk to me. Jesus, I could watch porn at home and the beer would at least be cheaper.

So I decided to make it fun for myself - every time a new stripper comes out, I just start joking with her. It's two am on a weeknight, so it's not like the joint is jumping, and, well, I get along with strippers for the same reason I got along with my teachers when I wanted to - at the time, I was a morbidly obese teen who was just desperately trying to get people to not make fun of him and gain approval for his sense of humour, the only real social weapon in his arsenal. So I am at that time about as completely a non-threatening person that someone who deals with the dangerous and depraved all day wants to meet.

There was one stripper in particular, very pretty, a little older, maybe in her thirties, but in a good way. She was wearing one of those dominatrix hats, and I make it a point, when I'm giving her a buck, to tell her it looks like a bus driver hat. She asks me what do I mean? and I explain it's the same hat Ralph Kramden wore on "The Honeymooners." She laughs, and whenever it gets slow she comes back over to me and my friends where we're sitting and dances for us, and talks to us.

At one point, a sleazy guy with glasses came in, sat down. She threw her hat to him, it was filled with money. He watched her, and at some point the money in her hat disappeared. Evan had to explain to me what was going on. Such was my naivete that I found the idea of drug-dealing openly going on at a hole-in-the-wall dive strip club to be shocking.

Soon it's closing time, her shift is over, and she's suggesting we all have breakfast.

Now, I'm not a regular of strip clubs, but I'm guessing that this doesn't happen to often, strippers asking a group of customers out to breakfast. But again, I wasn't exactly the most threatening guy in the world, and you add in the fact that as a group, we were two sixteen year-olds and a happily married older guy, and so from her end, it just looked like a recipe for a free meal.

I'll tell you one thing; having breakfast with a woman you just saw naked is a tremendous experience, and one that I should have appreciated more at the time, because it's something I've not gotten to repeat again in life as often as I'd like.

Her name was Jade. I mean, her name was probably not Jade, but that's the name she gave us and she changed the subject every time I brought that up.

She told us that in addition to stripping, she also deejayed at a big dance club called Club USA on Wednesdays. Evan - who was instantly smitten - promised to go down there the very next week, an idea she greeted almost warmly. She told us about her boyfriend, a drummer in a rock band, and how they lived together.

We saw her to her car. Now I don't know if this is creepy or not - Evan and "James" insisted it wasn't, but we followed her back to her place to make sure she got home okay. To be honest with you, I think she just stopped in front of a house randomly to get rid of us; that's what I would have done.

After that night, Evan then started a weekly ritual of calling the strip club, whose name I forget, every week asking, "Is Jade there tonight?"

And they would say "Yes," because I'm guessing at any strip club across the globe on any given night there's going to be twenty-three "Jades," seventeen "Ambers," and at least one "Misty."

And then he would call me and say, "Hey Liam, Jade's at the place tonight, let's go." And since I lived with my folks at the time, and my dad was always about three feet away, I'd say something like, "Uh, yeah, that's great, but, um, I think I can't hang out tonight."

We went back one last time, and Jade wasn't there. It was just a dark hole-in-the-wall with a surly clientele and working girls who wanted to earn a buck and be left the hell alone. We left soon.

So we tried another strip club for the hell of, also on Queens Boulevard, but we got carded and had to get out. We ended up in a dive out in Ozone Park, a place the owner told us was closing the next week. Working there was a woman in her forties, overweight, and a young woman so zonked out on drugs she just lay on the dance-floor while we watched her finger herself for fifteen minutes.

I've gone back to strip clubs a couple of times since then, but I've never been able to recapture the magic of that first night when I was young and the adult world was still a mysterious room behind a thick, locked door of steel.

It's hard to buy my mom gifts for Mother's Day. This year she told me that I shouldn't get her anything, and she said, "As long as you're happy, I'm happy."

And I have to say that that made shopping for her a lot easier, because this year I went out and got - drunk.

* * * * *

Last night I was hanging out with my friend, and she "prejected" me.

Prejection is when you let someone know that you don't want to date them before they even try to ask you out.

We were hanging out, having a civilized conversation, when she out of the blue started telling me how she wasn't interested in dating anyone.

You're not allowed to do that. I can't call a telemarketing office and say, "Hey, I just wanted to let you know I'm probably not switching my long distance today. No, I know you didn't ask me to, I just thought I'd let you know. Okay, gotta go call MCI now."

Although, I kinda wish I could say that.

is on this eBay auction selling these Mets tickets I accidentally won.

Yes, I accidentally won an acution for a couple of tickets. I am a dumbass.

It's about four sassy black women who run an inner-city bakery.

It's called, No She Donut!

I walked past a restaurant yesterday that had a sign:
"Brunch or Lunch (You Decide!)"

Wait, are they bragging that I get to choose what I'm paying to eat? Is that something you weren't allowed to do before? Did they used to be owned by Al Qaeda?

"Hello, I'd like a ribeye steak and - "
"No, it's 6:30pm. Time for breakfast!"
"But I wanted steak."
"Tell you what, Yankee pig, I give you choice: You eat smoked salmon. or you die like a dog."

* * * * *

I'm the kind of guy that people feel comfortable confiding in, but not in the good way. It's never like, "Hey, you look like an understanding guy. Let me tell you where the treasure's buried."

No, it's always something messed up, like, "I'm a 'furry.' I'm really sexually into people dressed as animals. I used to think I was a 'plushy,' which is someone who gets off on sex with stuffed animals."

And I was like, "You know what? I think I'm more of an 'intercoursey.' I really get off on sexual intercourse, especially with a woman dressed up as a woman."

* * * * *

I was once with a woman who asked me to smack her in the face, because she would get an orgasm from a guy hitting her.

And I didn't know what to do, because I had never once ever intentionally wanted to give a woman an orgasm.

It's called "Stand Up Nation with Greg Giraldo." We do funny comedy sketches.
Here's one that's a parody of "Black. White." where Greg switches races with a black comedian named Sherrod Small.

Enjoy:

So I bought a sword. From a guy on the street, right outside a mall in my neighborhood. Had all kinds of bootleg books, CDs, scarves for sale, and right in the middle of this jumble was a sword.

It was fifty bucks, and even though I didn't have a lot of money at the time, I figured I'd get another chance at fifty bucks, but when do you get another chance at a sword?

My friend said, "You'd better be careful. It might be stolen."
And I said, How are you going to take a sword away from someone who doesn't want to give it to you? I mean, unless you're a dragon, that's not happening.

Now, you don't just hang a sword on the wall, it's an accessory. It's medieval bling-bling. So I'm wearing it on the subway in a sword-holster (I know it's called a "scabbard," okay?), and I got hassled by a cop, because he wanted to arrest me, but he didn't know what to nail me for -
"Possession of a concealed weapon."
It's not concealed. It's right here in the open.

"Carrying an unlicensed weapon."
Oh really, what kind of license do you need to carry a big meat cleaver?

"Look, I don't want you mugging somebody with that thing."
Who am I, Robin Hood?
You're right, you got me officer, I was planning to take my sword, get into a Viking longboat, and sail off to Englend for an evening of looting and pillaging.

A friend of mine told me, "A sword is useless if you're getting mugged, because we have these things called 'guns' now."

Oh yeah? If you had a choice between picking a fight with a guy with a gun or a guy with a sword, who would you pick? I'd pick the gun guy.
Becuase a guy with a gun, he's dangerous.
But a guy with a sword - he's crazy.

Guy with a gun, he might hurt you, but a guy with a sword is probably going to perform sorcery on you first. I'd rather wake up in a hospital bed than a goat's body.

In my high school, gay kids weren't treated any different from not-gay kids.
Except the school bully would steal their brunch money.

* * * * *

I went to brunch with my grandmother a few weeks ago in Chelsea, a very gay neighborhood in New York City. And we're sitting in a restaurant surrounded by couples - most extremely fit young men in tight shirts and jeans. And at one point, she looks around says, "You know, here I am having brunch in Chelsea, and I don't see any gays."

And I say, "Are you sure?" And she says, yes, she's sure.

And I really wished I was gay myself so I could then look her directly in the eye say, "No, I mean are you sure Grandma? Because I think there's at least one gay in this room."

* * * * *

If you describe a woman by saying, "I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers," then you probably don't need to say anything, because you're probably not in a position to kick any woman out of your bed for any reason.

In fact, you could probably shorten that sentence to, "I'm going to a strip club."

* * * * *

I was writing in Starbuck's over the weekend, and I heard a Midwestern tourist say loudly, "Hey Jerr-ee, this is nice!"

And I wanted to say, "Hey lady, if you like Starbuck's, you should try this other place we got here in New York called 'McDonalds'."

It's great that you love a place that's exactly the same as every place all over the world.

Of course, if I'm hanging out at Starbuck's, I probably shouldn't be complaining about Midwestern tourists. I should be buying a fanny pack and a digital camera and preparing to walk at a snail's pace through Times Square.