Monday, July 31, 2006
WOMAN: Other than work out and clubbing, what else do you like to do?
WOMAN (looking disappointed): Oh. Well, the nice thing about the beach (passing out of earshot)...
I got some sad news for you, lady. Sure, there are guys in this city who look like that and are interested in arts and culture. But generally, they're mostly interested in other guys who look like that and are interested in arts and culture. Sorry to be the bearer of that bad news,
UPDATE: I just realized that I told a lie. I am not at all sorry to be the bearer of that bad news, and in fact, i took a little pleasure out of it. Sorry to be obnoxious, but I'd rather just be honest.
Friday, July 28, 2006
I was awake at 5:30 in the morning with heartburn (four days straight of Massaman Curry, me suspects), and I started worrying that people weren't as excited about seeing John Tucker Must Die! as I was. So I started randomly calling people from the Queens phone book to gauge the JTMD! buzz level; Here's a transcript:
ME: Good morning!
SOME WOMAN: Hello?
ME: Hi, I'm just calling to see if you're as excited about seeing John Tucker Must Die as I am.
SOME WOMAN: Who?
ME: John Tucker Must Die. You know, the new comedy starring Desperate Housewives hunk Jesse Metcalf.
SOME WOMAN: (pause) Who is this?
ME: It's already generating quite a buzz on MySpace.
SOME WOMAN: Do you know what time it is?
(She hung up, I'm sure to spread the buzz about JTMD.)
Here's another one:
SOME GUY: What?
ME: Good morning sir, I'm just calling to gauge your excitement level about John Tucker Must Die, the new comedy starring Desperate Housewives hunk Jesse Metcalf.
SOME GUY: Do you know what time it is?
ME: Time to get excited about John Tucker Must Die?
SOME GUY: Are you people calling at six in the morning now? What - what company is this?
ME: Oh, I don't work for any company sir. I'm just a guy who's super-excited about John Tucker Must Die, the new comedy starring Desperate Housewives hunk -
SOME GUY: Who the fuck are you?
ME: Um, Frank -
SOME GUY: Frank?
ME: Sinatra -
SOME GUY: FRANK SINATRA?
ME: - the Third.
SOME GUY: Listen asshole, if you call here again I will murder you.
ME: Fair enough. Can I just ask how likely you are to see John Tuck -
SOME GUY: (hangs up)
And one more:
ME: Good morning! I'm calling about the new movie John Tucker Must Die.
SOME WOMAN: (sighs) What about it.
ME: Are you excited to see it?
SOME WOMAN: (pause) What?
ME: Are you excited to see it? It stars Desperate Housewives hunk Jesse Metcalf.
SOME WOMAN: (extremely long pause)
SOME WOMAN: (pause) Who?
ME: Desperate Housewives hunk Jesse Metcalfe.
SOME WOMAN: ( extremely long pause, followed by a sigh, and a hangup)
So there you go! America is extremely excited about John Tucker Must Die, the new comedy starring Desperate Housewives hunk Jesse Metcalf! The studio should pay me to promote it!
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Like, when I change a lightbulb ALL BY MYSELF, I feel like I just single-handedly built a house, and I only wish there were other people around to admire my handiwork.
Case in point: I made Chicken Massaman Curry, a Thai delicacy, for myself yesterday. I did so because I love eating it at restaurants, but i was noticing that I was getting sick afterwards. At first I chalked it up to MSG in the food, but then one day a waitress told me that Thai curries are made with fish sauce. Me, I'm allergic to fish.
So I found a Massaman recipe with a chicken broth base instead. To be honest, it's not as 100% tasty, but it is still plenty good.
Here's a cooking tip - 3/4 of a teaspoon doesn't seem like a lot, but there's a world of difference between a quarter teaspoon of cayenne pepper and a full teaspoon.
Also, I bought all the ingredients, got home, and found out I wa out of salt. Who the hell runs out of salt? They sell these huge cans for fifty cents. Even guys who are actively working to induce kidney failure never run out of salt.
Actuallly, the most amazing thing to me is just how high the fat content in this dish is, between the peanuts and the coconut milk. However, the good side is that once you have a big heaping dish of homemade curry, you're not going to want to put anything else in yor stomach for, oh, say eight or ten hours afterwards.
Anyway, my point is, last night I found myself bragging about having made my own Thai food to pretty much anyone who would listen to me, and if I'd been presented with a medal for courage in taking care of myself, I would have probably accepted it with a little speech, modest of course, nothing long-winded or fancy, just a little thank you to all the little people.
Anyway, my next project is cooking up some tasty chicken stew.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Well, this past year I was asked to come on and be part of Puppy Bowl. And I was very excited. But maybe I didn't 100% understand what they wanted me to do.
So I came on-set, all ready to be a placekicker. But after two or three puppies, they have "security" come and tackle me. And they never even aired any of my footage!
Hollwood, you are a fickle mistress!
Thursday, July 20, 2006
In any case, unlike strep throat in the throat, it isn't contagious (ladies), it's just a normal bacteria that lives on your skin and occasionally gets in through a bug bite and then tries to eat you from the inside. You know, like marriage. (Oh, that is to laugh! Lordy lordy, next up we're going to hear about the hilarious rock-and-roll music the kids seem to enjoy - most of the lyrics seem to be 'Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me Please,' when I was a young man that wasn't what you'd hear on the radio, that's what you'd hear a fella begging a young lady in the back of a Studebaker, am I right?)
Any old hoozle, here's a picture of me on my sick bed. Please note that when I'm sick, I look like the lead singer for a shitty late-'90s alt. country band:
Monday, July 17, 2006
So this will have to tide you over:
They actually have a jail in Yankee Stadium, where they put drunk Yankee fans who are too rowdy and obnoxious to stay in the stands.
Can you imagine being the guy who's such an asshole you can't be kept with all the Yankee fans throwing beer and (once upon a time) batteries on the field?
"Sorry sir, but that shirtless guy with 'YOUKLISS IS A FUCKING FAGGOT' tattooed on his chest says you're ruining the enjoyment of his good time. He says he had to put down his three beers and aim his flamethrower with both hands."
Thursday, July 13, 2006
WHITE RIVER JUNCTION, VERMONT
The story starts like this: I've known Robyn for years. We'd dated for a while a few years ago, and although it didn't work out, we still remain friends, and occasional collaborators (see: our comic in True Porn 2, out now in stores). Like many of the women I've dated over the years, she's a dear person, an artist, and something of - and I say this with nothing but affection - a lunatic.
She now is a Fellow at the Center for Cartoon Studies, a school in Vermont dedicated to teaching the art of drawing indie comics (no, she didn't have sex-change surgery, stupid. She got a fellowship to study and work there. You know, like the Fellowship of the Ring in those Star War Ring Trek Lord movies? Only, instead of travelling the world to destroy a great evil, she stays in Vermont and draws comics).
The CCS teaches indie comics, and make no mistake; if you ask the students there if "How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way" is on the syllabus, they'll give you a look that says, "Hey, did someone step in some X-Men and track it onto the living rug on their way in here?" Which is a shame, because no matter what your view on comic books (and I'm not a huge fan - my fave comic of all time is a nobscure hippie rag called The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers), you have to admit that the only thing that kicks more ass than Spider Man is
But of course, try telling them that.
Anyhoozle, Robyn has a zine called "Hey 4-Eyes!" which she hates me calling a "glasses fetish zine," so let's just call it - um - a, uh, "zine for people who like glasses and find other people way more desirable if they're also wearing glasses." In fact, Robyn helped me pick out my glasses as part of a pictorial for "Hey 4-Eyes!" Issue 1, and I hosted the release party for it in Brooklyn in one of the most awkward shows I've done.
See, the audience for that show was comprised almost entirely of hipster nerds. Now, I can generally do well in front of an audience of nerds, because I am one.
And I can do well in front of hipsters because I'm a mess, and they appreciate that.
But for whatever reason, the confluence of hipster-nerds generally equals awkward silence and the occasional snicker as if to say, "Oh my God, did he actually just deliver a punchline?" A particularly disastrous set at the Blu Lounge on Driggs Street in Williamsburg led me to declare a ban on performing in that neighborhood for two years.
So when Robyn asked me if I wanted to take the 7 hour train ride to Vermont to host the release party for "Hey 4-Eyes 2," my immediate reaction was "Hells motherfucking no."
Then she told me that I'd be perfoming in the Main Street Museum for students and staff at the Center for Cartooning Studies, and I thought about it and said, "I'm sorry, the connection's breaking up. I didn't hear what you said. I'll call you back later."
Because I didn't relish performing in, as is my usual experience with local museums, a stuffy old mausoleum dedicated to settlers' continued persectution of the local native American population. I've been in more than one local museum where a main component is an exhibit dedicated to the half-dozen or so treaties that local settler populations had broken, along with artifacts of the indigineous peoples who had been wiped out. it's depressing, kind of like if someone said, "Hey, there are a ton of Holocaust memorials, when is a museum going to tell the other side of the story?"
I know, I know, that's a very flip and sweeping rationalization, and there's a huge difference between the two things. For one thing, we're descended from the people who won.
And that's when she dangled the ultimate carrot in front of me and said, "Not only would you not get paid, but you'd pay your own way up here and you'd get to sleep on the world's most uncomfortable futon." Which is why I relented and said, "Alright. Take me number out of your phone. I'm not doing it."
However, after some reflection, I changed my mind and said, "Yes," and I did so for the following reasons:
1 - I'm unemployed, the Giraldo show being over and unlikely to come back. So until I get a job, I do have some spare time on my hands.
2 - I have resolved that although I am spending a lot of time looking for more work, I am not going to burn myself out and I'm going to give myself a vacation this summer. A cheap vacation, like maybe a trip up to Vermont.
3 - If this goes horribly wrong, it will be a hell of a story. And sometimes, you've got to do something crazy for the story.
Because, when all is said and done, the only things you take to the grave are your regrets and memories.
So I said yes, and I got on the Amtrak train.
I was going to make a crack here comparing Amtrak to Greyhound, but when I got to Penn Station, the first thing I saw on th big departure sign board was that another train had been cancelled because it had derailed somewhere down the line.
Which, by the way, is notan unusual ovvurence.
So I guess you can call Amtrak "Now-Let-Us-Prayhound." You're welcome.
Now, the immutable laws of physics says that when you sit on a public conveyance, such as a train, or a plane, or a bus, no matter who the person was behind you, the act of sitting down in your own seat automatically transforms them into a little child who will want to kick the back of your chair for twenty miles. And I know this, because it happened to me both ways.
Actually, I tell a lie. On my way back, she was an adorable little girl who started pushing the back of my seat with her legs, to push the back of her chair back. Wonderful. Unfortunately, the laws of "justifiable homicide" only allow you to murder the parent or guardian who gives you attitude for asking the little monster to please stop.
* * * * *
White River Junction is a historic town in old Vermont, which sits at the Junction where the Connecticut river joins with the White River. Once a hub of transportation, the decline of river and interstate rail travel, 10% of which used to stop at White River Junction, led to a decline in the town. This I learned from a local journalist named Eric, who gave me the inside scoop on many things, including the transient hobo population, the transient local population (stories I'm loathe to repeat here because he wants to write a book about it some day. One of my favorites, though, involved a naked Indonesian man wandering through the rooms of a local hotel at four in the morning. Apparently, the hotel staff's reaction to upset patrons was a bit - er - unconcerned) , and the town's resident trainspotters.
I met a lovely lady named Barbara who comes from Connecticut to hang out at the White River Junction Amtrak station and watch the trains pass. She sleeps on a cot in the station some nights, and once slept through a break-in where thieves were looking for money in the office. I observed her acting as the stations unofficial greeter, meeting passengers as they arrived to wait for their trains and giving them information.
The Center for Cartoon Studies is actually a cool up-and-coming insititution, as pictured in, what else, this cartoon representation:
They're small, but growing (for instanc; although I'm no fan of Verizon and the Verizon Family of Products, they are donating a building to the Center for students to use as studio space), and the students I met were genuinely cool, in a "going to school to study comics," way.
(By the way, if anyone thinks that in the general fun of joking around, I might be calling people into comics "nerds" or "uncool," just remember that this is the blog of a lifetime Dr. Who fan who not only knows too much about the series, but has some definite opinions about it that he'd be willing to argue for hours. Any jokes about anyone elses nerdiness are made with the understanding that I'd be the first one shoved into a locker in the Great High School In The Sky. Some people have claimed the word "nerd" as a badge of honor. Me, I just use it as a blanket explanation for why I tend to be socially awkward.)
Let's talk about Vermont.
White River Junction is -
- Amazingly beautiful. As you see in the picture at the top of this entry, it's green and gorgeous. As a lifetime New Yorker, it's always astounding for me to see a building with a dense green forest right behind it. Or a river so clean and clear that you could literally jump in any time and swim in it, or you could just look down and see straight to the bottom. Alright, so it was shallow, but the point is that the East River is dark and murky and if you ever jumped in you would end up joining a myriad of other corpses floating its dense and dirty depths.
Some of the residents tried to draw me out, as a New Yorker, to say that because the town is small and away from major metroplitan regions that I found it boring or stupid or inferior. But nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, I may never be able to live there for too long - After three days I was feeling a fatigue and general laxness that worried me until I realized that I'd actually achieved a degree of "relaxation." That's right, relaxation is such a foreign state for me, that I thought I was getting sick.
Coincidentally, the mosquito bites I thought I was suffering from turned out to be bites from aggressive mosquitos who seemed to have decided that they were going to live every day like it as their last. Which I sincerely hope it was, the miserable little bastards. Sorry, but I was raised Buddhist, not Hindu. Death to the mosquiitos.
- Resoundingly New England. Lots of fat guys in Red Sox shirts. I had the ultimate New England moment when an old man bagging my groceries at a food coop was waiting for the credit card machine, turned to me and said, "Looks like the weathaman was right. Seems there's a thundastorm a'brewin'."
Unfortunately, he failed to then fix me with his steely glare and add, "You're not from around heah, ah you? There's some things this town just don't take to," before warning me that the town contained an evil just lurking beneath the surface that occasionally rises to consume the children. Steven King is a fucking liar.
Also, there seems to be a confusion over whether customers wanted their groceries bagged, or if they wnted to just juggle them all the way home. I had more than one experience where I paid for grocery items, and the cashier had to be asked for a bag to take it away in. One time, I'd purchased some delicious consumables from a local produce stand, and not only did I, unlike the other customers, have to ask for a bag, but when I did, the young woman behind the counter gave me a dirty look and opened a paper bag, and I realized after a second that she was going to make me bag the groceries myself.
However, I got my delicious revenge when I punched her in the face.
Okay, I didn't. I left. i'm a wuss.
Speaking of Mr. Steven King, I had a real Stand By Me moment.
it started when I decided to take a walk down the railroad tracks. I'd been warned that there were hobo camps along the side of tracks, and sure enough, there they were. I didn't go down the steep incline to the river bank to bother the hobos. Although I fantasized about it, and realized that I was picturing them as 1930s Woody Guthrie/Grapes of Wrath hobos, complete with weathered fedoras, overalls, and bandannas tied around sticks, sitting around a campfire making hobo stew. In black and white.
Although Eric the Journalist did tell me later that these hobos still exist, and they still sleep in boxcars, and make their secret hobo marks on the sides of railroad cars, and every year they meet for a big hobo convention at a hobo museum. Although I'm not 100% sure he wasn't pulling my leg, I'd like to live in a world where they existed. Unfortunately, I fear that hobos would be a lot like the New York City homeless who live in the subway, and I gave them a miss.
However, there is a railroad bridge that crosses the Connecticut River, and on my way back, I decided that the thought of crossing it was so terrifying - it's pretty long, with metal walls on either side so that if a train comes there's pretty much no place to escape - that I had to do it.
Now, I'm not a fan of heights, and there's nothing like being able ot look down between the ties and see a long drop beneath to get the legs a'quivering and the stomach churning. It helped a bit that on the side there was graffiti that read, "2PAC 4Ever." Hell, if the local teen creep community could do this, so could I.
There was a point where I decided to turn back. It was the point where I heard a train whistle blowing up ahead. Luckily, my brain then decided to help my relax and focus by trying to imagine what the headlines would say if I got flattened by a train. That's when I rememered that I wasn't famous enough to really merit headlines. Maybe one of the New York comedy fanblogs would say, "Christian Finnegan's Friend Dies."
Then I checked the train rails - not vibrating. (Thank you, Stand by Me, for teaching me how to tell if a train's coming. Although, if a train was coming, I would have been obligated to yell "Train!" and then run as fast as I can.)
I got to the other side and realized that I'd just doen a very stupid thing, and the only thing I'd proved to myself was that I can be just as dumb as the next guy who needs to prove too much to himself abot how macho he can be.
However, I can be happy in knowing that this blog entry has officially upset my mother. So there's that.
- On the border of New Hampshire. In fact, I walked across the border to have breakfast at a local diner, and discovered that Ol' New Hampshire doesn't seem to have any pesky laws agains t things like smoking in restaurants. Good for you, New Hampshire! Sure, your official state motto may be "new hampshire: Live Free or Die," but we all know it should be, "new Hampshire: Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em."
I also got the chance to "eavesdrop" on a very loud conversation a woman was having about her ongoing custody battle. It involved phrases like "enrolled in a drug rehabilitation program" and "don't give a damn about them family court people."
- Weird, but in a way I like.
For instance, the museum I ended up performing in is pretty much unlike any museum I've seen. It's called the Main Street Museum, and, well, I don't get it, but I do like it.
In fact, here's a picture of me performing in it:
The "exhibits" include a case with dehydrated cats, a display of a "New England sea monster," cases filled with dusty books, and a wall of animal heads, among many other pictures.
)In fact, I was going to include a picture of me in front of the wall of animal heads, but it emphasized too much the double chin I got from stressing out at my writing job, eating and sitting behind a desk all day.)
(That's right ladies, he's unemployed and needs to lose weight. What is there about him that doesn't scream, "Oh momma, he's the man I want to marry some day"?)
(End self-deprecation sequence here.)
Anyway, to make a long story even more long and tortuous than necessary, the show went off really well. The museum was a way better place to perform than I'd feared. As someone who prefers the small bars, youth hostels, and basements of the East Village where I tend to perform here in the city, I felt quite at home. And the audience; locals, resident cartoonists, some high school girls (Robyn and I met one who was working at a local restaurant called Mai Thai. The food was pretty decent, but the most memorable aspect was the fact that the entire staff was dressed in black karate robes, like the Cobra Kai. Anyway, our server, who had just graduated high school, was really nice and ended up bringing a couple of her friends), a couple of tourists who had stumbled into the place, friends. Although it was a little awkward for me at first, seeing as how I had pretty much met the audience personally before the show, I still had a lot of fun.
Okay, this entry's officially too long now. Hopefully it makes up for the two weeks I took off.
Have a good weekend, everyone!
Monday, July 03, 2006
Instead, here are some jokes that were rejected by Stand-Up Nation, a show that I wrote for. Please note that these are a lot of jokes; hopefully they tide you over while I continue to take a break. I'll be back wriing regularly at the end of the week. In the meantime, enjoy:
The Italian Prime Minister’s recent allusions to rumours that the Chinese boiled babies under Mao Zedong has upset the Chinese people. Which is ridiculous.
Of course, everyone knows that under General Tso babies were fried and dipped in a delicious sweet and sour sauce.
Keith Richards required brain surgery after falling out of a tree in Palm Springs.
He hit his head so hard, he can now remember the seventies.
Hundreds of thousands of leftists, hippies, and socialists all gathered in New York City recently to protest the Iraq War in what was labeled “The March of Dime Bags.”
Susan Sarandon spoke out against the war in Iraq, saying that we need to stop pouring all of this money into such horrible atrocities.
Coincidentally, that’s what reviewers said about her last five movies.
Maury Povich was recently sued by a female producer for his show who claimed that she was having an affair with Povich.
Luckily, he has a place to hide out where no one will ever see him – on The Maury Povich Show.
The DaVinci Code made $224 million worldwide its opening weekend.
Hollywood hasn’t seen that big an opening since Paris Hilton’ sex tape.
The movie was number one in Western Europe, where citizens identified with Tom Hanks’ quest for religious meaning, and it also opened at number one in Eastern Europe, where citizens identified with Tom Hanks’ horrible mullet.
Pirated copies of The DaVinci Code were already selling for sixty cents on the streets of Shanghai, making it officially cheaper than herpes.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby.
This has been a major event in their fans’ lives, or it would be if they had any.
Since it is Tom Cruise’s child, doctors think the baby may have already reached its full height.
Ironically, this kid is definitely going to need therapy, because she’s going to be raised in a religion that doesn’t allow any.
AIDS turned 25 years old this year, which is a really sobering thought. I mean, only 25 and look at what it’s already accomplished. Charles Manson didn’t even start killing people until he was in his 30s.
President Bush introduced a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.
Gay marriage opponents claim that marriage is for procreation, producing children. Wow, I didn’t know that forgetting to pull out in the backseat of your father’s car is a sacred institution.
I will admit, there are times when allowing gay guys to get married turns out to be a crime against God - like when Al Reynolds married Star Jones.
President Bush hired former FOX radio host Tony Snow as his Press Secretary.
I guess years as a mouthpiece for the Bush administration have finally landed him a job as a mouthpiece for the Bush administration.
Police in Phoenix, Arizona, shot a man after he hijacked a Krispy Kreme truck.
And just like the donuts, the bullets went straight to his thighs and ass.
A foreign species of snail has invaded Minnesota, waging a war against the local environment.
Finally, a war the French can help us win.
South Carolina celebrated Confederate Memorial Day again this year.
North Carolina also celebrated by coming in and stomping the shit out of them.
Indonesia’s seen the release of their own version of Playboy, which features women posing with their clothes on.
The first centerfold spread has this quote: “I just want to meet a man who will read me books by the fire he’s using to burn them with.”
An Italian company is selling jeans designed solely for Muslims.
The biggest problem – finding the perfect dynamite suicide belt to go with your new jeans.
A radio station in the UK has banned the music of James Blunt from its airwaves.
But if we send enough petitions and signatures, we can get US stations to ban the music of James Blunt.
The guy who played the principal in the Breakfast Club died.
His pallbearers will include an athlete, a princess, a brain, a criminal, and a basket case.
Chicago just crowned the winner of its Air Guitar Championship.
So if any of you ladies are looking for a single fella guaranteed STD-free, he’s in Chicago.
Washington DC is using $100,000 of its Homeland Security funding to provide sanitation workers with a Dale Carnegie course on public speaking.
That makes sense. We want our garbagemen to have perfect diction when they say, “Excuse me miss, but I couldn’t help but notice that your ass has a fine shape, and I encourage to let it shake, but not to let it break.”
Macy’s department store pulled two gay mannequins from a window display after protests from conservative groups.
Macy’s yanked the mannequins, but as a gesture to the gay community they lubed them with baby oil first.
A spokesman for Boston’s gay community said he hasn’t seen this kind of bowing to pressure since the release of Bondage Boys Get BlackFisted 17.
Hawaii saw record rainfall last month, with rains lasting forty days and forty nights.
It was the worst disaster to hit the islands since Tom Selleck’s moustache.
Eunuchs are getting more active in India, recently holding a march for equal rights.
Of course, we already have dickless wonders in US politics – they’re called the Democratic party.
Baseball season’s underway. Baseball, of course, is the sport for those who want to watch millionaires play on drugs, but can’t afford Strokes tickets.
At the San Francisco Giants’ Opening Day game, a fan threw a syringe at embattled slugger Barry Bonds, prompting an enraged Bonds to eat the fan.
Gas prices are reaching an all-time high,. A Bush administration spokesman said that we may have to start tapping the strategic oil reserves in Marc Anthony’s hair.
Luckily, Congressional leaders say that if we truly face an oil shortage, we can always drill in Karl Rove’s personality.
Rush Limbaugh made a deal with Florida authority for illegal possession of thousands of pain-killing drugs. Limbaugh announced that now he’s a fat, pathetic reformed drug addict, you can catching him this summer touring with the Ringo Starr All Starr Band.
On May 1st, hundreds of thousands of immigrants across the US walked out of work to protest a proposed anti-illegal immigration law.
In Los Angeles it was called “The Day Without Immigrants,” while in Alabama it was called, “A Dream Come True.”
Apparently the protests were aimed at a proposed constitutional amendment to crack down on illegal immigrants living in the country.
Because no one should treat people engaged in illegal behavior like … criminals … wait a second.
Republicans are urging Bush to keep illegal immigrants out of the US, so they don’t steal any jobs from the illegal immigrants already working on their lawns and pools.
The immigration issue has completely split the Republican party, with some lawmakers saying illegal immigrants should be deported, while others say they should be allowed to finish cleaning their toilets first.
The Republican party hasn’t seen such a split since the civil rights era, when they couldn’t decide between lynching and burning.
President Bush responded by announcing his plan to send thousands of National Guardsmen to patrol the Mexican border.
Is it just me, or does Bush have kind of a bad record when it comes to sending troops out into the desert?
He’s selling it as part of a Homeland Security program to keep terrorists out of the United States.
What kind of terror threat are we facing from Mexico?
The only terror Air Mexico’s been connected with is the terror of flying on an airline called “Air Mexico.”
The state of Texas has announced a plan to allows citizens to patrol the Texas border through a website.
Which is odd, as most web surfers are patrolling web sites less for illegals and more for barely legals.
Hugh Hefner turned 80 recently, which is also the combined age of all seven of his girlfriends.
Hefner says that although he’s eighty, he feels like a kid again. Mostly because he’s wearing a diaper.
On the 26th anniversary of the failed Iranian hostage rescue, Iran’s defense minister said that any attack by the US would result in a humiliating defeat.
The threat of a “humiliating” defeat raises US fears that not only has Iran developed a nuclear weapon, but they may have also developed the Atomic Wedgie.
A disgruntled writer named Jack Bunick is suing UPN, Viacom, and Jennifer Lopez’ production company for allegedly stealing his idea for the TV show South Beach.
This lawsuit shocked Viacom executives, who said they had no idea anyone had ever seen South Beach.
Bunick says that South Beach is just like a script he pitched to UPN called South Beach Miami, in that both scripts feature a kid from Brooklyn moving to South Beach, Miami, and both scripts suck.
If you’ve created a show that’s really similar to South Beach, you shouldn’t be going to court – you should be going to a screenwriting class.
Madonna is touring again, so now you don’t have to travel all the way to Rome to see an ancient religious relic.
The Church of England wants Madonna to stop riding the cross in her latest concert tour. She also managed to offend the Jews on this tour by showing her burning bush.
Madonna’s charging $380 a ticket to her concert. For that money, it better be a ticket back to 1984 when it was still cool to go see a Madonna concert.
A twenty-eight year-old man went to a rave and started shooting, killing six ravers.
In memory of the dead, ravers’ eyelids will be lowered at half-mast.
Star Trek, the TV show that’s popular among people who aren’t, has been off the air for a year now, and Star Trek fans say they haven’t felt this out of their element since that one time a girl tried to talk to them at a school dance.
In a recent interview, Ryan Seacrest finally admitted something that we’ve all suspected – he used to be a fat kid.
Seacrest said that he would come home from school, make a tray of nachos, and watch Oprah. That’s right, Ryan Seacrest was a 45 year-old housewife.
In Idaho, high gas prices are forcing people to use horses as an alternative to riding cars. Of course, this is nothing new down South, where they use horses as an alternative to riding women.
A recent study shows that a FOX News Channel viewer’s average age is 60, which, coincidentally, is also a FOX News viewer’s average IQ.
PBS has a new show called “The Good Night Show,” that’s designed to put your kids to sleep.
This is the first PBS show designed to put people to sleep - since that 40 hour Ken Burns Jazz documentary.
Bush’s approval ratings dropped last week to its lowest yet – 29%. Which means that his ratings are now lower than The Surreal Life.
Scientists are predicting New York is in particular danger of being hit by a hurricane, which would be the worst thing to hit New York since Wedding Singer: The Musical.
The hurricanes about to hit New York are said to be so terrible, there’s a real danger that they’ll end up playing for the Knicks.
This could end up being the worst hurricane season on record. In fact, the upcoming season is looking so disastrous, it’s probably going to air on UPN.
A Chicago woman who said, “I don’t want anything from you, I just want your semen” is suing her ex-lover for child support.
That’s why I only donate my sperm to the Salvation Army.
A man who posed as a member of the Saudi royal family was arrested for attempting to sell a forged Rembrandt.
What a coincidence; I just bought a twenty dollar Rembrandto in Chinatown.
Last week, an Indian man set himself on fire after his wife refused to serve him meat for dinner.
The good news is, he finally got that barbecue he wanted.
A youth minister was charged after hurling a ball at a young boy’s crotch during a heated dodgeball game.
Although he did offer to kiss it and make it better.
An Ohio chiropractor is under review after claiming that he can travel back in time and fix an injury as it happens.
He claims he’s not mentally ill. Or rather, he used to be mentally ill, but then he traveled back in time and cured it.
Fourteen people died in a Kenyan military plane crash.
Luckily, the Kenyan military’s other plane is still okay.
Online games are replacing fighting and violence with sexual situations, which some parent advocacy groups fear will be a poor influence on kids.
On the other hand. online gamers are as likely to get into a real-life sexual situation as they are a real-life fight.
A Santa Cruz couple was charged with taking a two day-old baby harbor seal from its mother and bringing it home with them.
But don’t worry animal rights activists; the baby seal’s condition was reported as stable and delicious.
An Orange County, California, nuerosurgeon has lost millions of dollars to Nigerian e-mail scammers over the past decade.
He reassured his patients, saying, “Don’t worry. I mean, I’m only conducting brain surgery, it’s not like it’s rocket science right?”
Call center workers in India are having nervous breakdowns after being abused by the Australians they call during dinnertime.
The worst part is, we’ve also outsourced all of our suicide hotline work to India.
Halliburton has been paid $385 million by the Federal government to build federal detention centers across the country with no official stated purpose.
With their track record in Iraq, the detention centers will probably be built for administration officials with no plan to get out.
Lee Raymond, the chairman of Exxon, is retiring with a $400 million dollar settlement.
With gas at $4.50 a gallon, that’s just enough to fill up his limousine.
Police cannot link a priest with the DNA of a nun he was charged with murdering twenty-six years ago.
Although, his DNA was linked with several altar boys and the front wall of his confessional.
According to a study, two out of three Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 can’t find Iraq on a map.
The good news? It's an education issue that the Bush Administration is actually working to correct.
New Jersey may legalize medicinal marijuana.
Officials say it will only be approved in cases where someone is suffering from AIDS, glaucoma, or worst of all, having to live in New Jersey.
An autistic sixteen year-old in Portland, Oregon was signed up for the Army by a recruiter who hid his mental disability from his superiors.
Army officials say he’s mentally unqualified to serve in the Army, and mentally overqualified to be Commander-In-Chief.
According to the National Foundation to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse, McDonald’s restaurants across the country have been hiring convicted sex offenders.
Although, a McDonald’s worker fiddling with a boy’s weiner is still healthier than feeding him a McDonald’s cheeseburger.
The Episcopalian church passed over three gay priests who were up for a bishop position in California.
The upside is, a “Bishop Position” is hard to achieve if you only have three guys.
A 63 year-old Chinese man died while having sex with a prostitute in a hotel this week, according to the Shin Min Daily News.
His body was delivered to the police fifteen minutes later, still warm and with a free fortune cookie.
Police in Tulsa, Oklahoma, are searching for a man who hid under a woman’s car in a Wal-Mart parking lot in order to lick her feet.
The good news is, Wal-Mart’s driving local mom-and-pop perverts out of business.
A 92 year-old grandmother in Tennessee mistook her grandson and his wife for intruders and shot them both with her .357 Magnum
The couple said they still found it less painful than listening to all her stories for the hundredth time.
The first wild bear found roaming Germany in 170 years has been ordered shot on sight by the government.
The good news is, at least the German government treats the country’s animals as well as it treats the country’s Jews.
Two Florida men were arrested this week after firefighters battling a huge blaze uncovered their massive marijuana farm.
Although the firefighters didn’t so much detain the men as make them sit down and “talk about stuff” for six hours.
Hollywood residents want to find out who’s feeding city pigeons 125 pounds of bird feed every day, causing the streets to be covered in bird poop.
The people of Hollywood want to get all the excess amounts of crap off of the streets and back on the movie screens where it belongs.
A US Appeals court has ruled that high a San Francisco high school can ban a student from wearing a t-shirt calling homosexuality shameful.
Lawyers say this reminds them of the famous Supreme Court case, I-Like-It-In-The-Brown vs. Board of Education.
Forbes magazine named a prison in Englewood, Colorado, as one of the best prisons in the country to be sentenced to. Facilities include a pool table, a ping-pong table, and of course, foosball.
Is it bad when a Federal prison sounds like a better place to live than my apartment?
Forbes magazine named a prison in Texarkana as one of the best prisons in the country to be sentenced to. It offers a track as well as a bocce pit, a basketball court and several fields for inmates to use. It’s kinda sad when our Federal prisons are better equipped than our public schools. Of course, a Federal prison does have less criminals.
A Southampton, Pennsylvania, Domino’s guy was caught using his car to deliver corpses in his spare time.
What was worse was all the corpses that arrived with a slice already missing.
A barbershop is opening in Tewksbury, Massachussettes, where the female barbers will wear lingerie, and you will be able to pick what your stylist will wear.
It will be the first salon where the customer pays to give the stylist a facial.