Monday, December 28, 2009
10 MINUTES ON GAY MARRIAGE
Whenever I get stuck writing my stuff, I make myself a challenge: I give myself a subject and 10 minutes to write jokes about it. No second-guessing, no rewriting, just cranking out one joke after another. It works remarkably well to get the juices flowing:
Yesterday, I gave myself the topic "Gay Marriage," because I had this thing I'd said in conversation once that I thought could get turned into something. And here's what I wrote:
* If you really hate gay people, legalize gay marriage, but not gay divorce.
* I don't know why anyone would say that gay folks are evil. Gay dudes are not evil - unless you're mixing stripes and plaids.
* Gay men are the best equipped to deal with marriage - because when everything goes south in a straight relationship, who's the first person she goes running to? Her gay best friend. he's a guy who's heard it all. Gay Best friend has literally given advice in every situation.
* Religious groups are afraid of gay people. Why? priests have a lot in common: They both believe a black dress is appropriate for every occasion.
They both find women's bodies unattractive.
They both worship a man who is well hung.
* The argument is always, "If gays are allowed to marry, then the next thing they'll be legalizing pedophilia." So there's an upside for the Catholic priesthood.
Ahhhh, somewhere between the road to hack and the road to genius, there's something in a couple of those jokes.
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Yesterday, I gave myself the topic "Gay Marriage," because I had this thing I'd said in conversation once that I thought could get turned into something. And here's what I wrote:
* If you really hate gay people, legalize gay marriage, but not gay divorce.
* I don't know why anyone would say that gay folks are evil. Gay dudes are not evil - unless you're mixing stripes and plaids.
* Gay men are the best equipped to deal with marriage - because when everything goes south in a straight relationship, who's the first person she goes running to? Her gay best friend. he's a guy who's heard it all. Gay Best friend has literally given advice in every situation.
* Religious groups are afraid of gay people. Why? priests have a lot in common: They both believe a black dress is appropriate for every occasion.
They both find women's bodies unattractive.
They both worship a man who is well hung.
* The argument is always, "If gays are allowed to marry, then the next thing they'll be legalizing pedophilia." So there's an upside for the Catholic priesthood.
Ahhhh, somewhere between the road to hack and the road to genius, there's something in a couple of those jokes.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
I DID THIS HOLIDAY REMIX OF ANDY WILLIAMS' IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR
|Monday, December 14, 2009
I WATCHED THE JIM CARREY VEHICLE THE NUMBER 23 YESTERDAY
In case you've been living under a rock, and haven't seen Mongolia's 17th biggest movie of 2007, The Number 23 is the dark and edgy thriller about a dogcatcher who is being stalked by a number. Now I know what you're going to say: "Do you mean a foam-rubber number 23, like the ones who would walk around Sesame Street? Because that would be disturbing."
No, I mean he's being stalked by the abstract mathematical concept of a prime number that was first developed by Indian mathematicians millennia ago.
This saxophone is supposed to be frightening. No, really.
To boil down way too much movie, Carrey's life is uprooted on his birthday (DECEMBER 23RD!) when his wife finds a book in a used bookstore called "The Number 23." It's a self-published book that's really badly-written, half of which is just crazy scribblings and hand-drawn numerology charts. So naturally, she puts it back on the shelf and buys Cormac McCarthy's The Road.
JUST KIDDING! That wouldn't make any sense! She takes the book home, and gives it to Jim Carrey for his birthday, which is an indication of trouble in the marriage. He becomes consumed by the book when he finds that many details from the main character's life MIRROR HIS OWN EXACTLY!
Now, here's the first point I want to get at: the book is written by a mystery man named "Topsy Kretts." In a world of movies filled with unlikely names of authors, Topsy Kretts goes above and beyond. In fact, I hacked into director Joel Schumacher's hard drive and found all the names he rejected:
Mr. E. Mann
Red Herring
Sue Doe Nimh
Arthur Unown
Ima Killer-Rilly
L. Ter Ego
Fay Kename
Actually, I take it back; Fay Kename would have been ten times better than Topsy Kretts. Seriously, it's like this movie took place in a comedy about a guy who somehow manages to make one of the worst movies on Earth on purpose.
Anyway, it turns out that the book's story mirrors a real-life murder that was committed in this small town where Carrey lives 13 years previously. Okay, so here's the big twist: It turns out that Carrey's character WAS THE AUTHOR OF THE BOOK ALL ALONG AND ALSO THE KILLER.
Apparently, he had killed his girlfriend - a college student who was sleeping with her professor who was framed for the murder and sent to prison. Carrey rented out a room at a motel and wrote the book in a frenzy - the final chapter, chapter 23 - was a full confession, which he scrawled all over the motel walls. He then fell out of the motel window and landed on his head, which conveniently gave him amnesia about the murder and all the events that lead up to it. A device so shitty, even the producers of One Life To Live would make the screenwriter go back and take another pass.
So he gets sent to a mental home and when he's released, he walks down the steps and meets his future wife. And then immediately developed further amnesia about even having stayed in a mental home.
"Hey asshole, you're going to pay to fix the walls you covered with your crazy murder confession," is what the motel manager failed to say in this otherwise extremely realistic and sensical movie, The Number 23
Some questions about this movie:
* Really? He didn't say "Topsy Kretts" out loud for the first time and realize it might not be a real name?
* When Jim Carrey applied for the job of county dogcatcher, and the county did a background check on him, no one asked about his stay in a mental home?
* When Jim Carrey went to apply for a mortgage for his home, and they did an extensive background check to make sure he wasn't a risk, no one asked him about his stay in an asylum?
* keeping in mind that, in the flashbacks, he seemed to be too old for college and not working; his girlfriend who had cheated on him got murdered, and the creepy older drifter wasn't even a suspect?
* At one point, he goes to the local prison to confront the college professor, and they didn't know each other. The professor didn't recognize the boyfriend of the woman he'd been dating whose murder he'd been framed for?
* He scrawled a confession to murder on the walls of a motel room. And then jumped out of the window. The cops didn't read any of it? The motel manager didn't read any of it? Or at least ask for the money to wallpaper the room?
* What kind of amnesia not only wipes oout one specific memory, but also his memory of haing been in an asylum afterwards? Also, was this amnesia contagious, which would explain why his wife didn't remember meeting him as he walked down th steps out of the asylum?
* What does any of this have to do with the number 23?
Some easy jokes:
23 has to be the IQ of this movie's target audience.
This movie felt like it went on 23 hours.
23 is the age of the movie's target audience - in months.
Fuck this movie, it sucks.
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No, I mean he's being stalked by the abstract mathematical concept of a prime number that was first developed by Indian mathematicians millennia ago.
To boil down way too much movie, Carrey's life is uprooted on his birthday (DECEMBER 23RD!) when his wife finds a book in a used bookstore called "The Number 23." It's a self-published book that's really badly-written, half of which is just crazy scribblings and hand-drawn numerology charts. So naturally, she puts it back on the shelf and buys Cormac McCarthy's The Road.
JUST KIDDING! That wouldn't make any sense! She takes the book home, and gives it to Jim Carrey for his birthday, which is an indication of trouble in the marriage. He becomes consumed by the book when he finds that many details from the main character's life MIRROR HIS OWN EXACTLY!
Now, here's the first point I want to get at: the book is written by a mystery man named "Topsy Kretts." In a world of movies filled with unlikely names of authors, Topsy Kretts goes above and beyond. In fact, I hacked into director Joel Schumacher's hard drive and found all the names he rejected:
Mr. E. Mann
Red Herring
Sue Doe Nimh
Arthur Unown
Ima Killer-Rilly
L. Ter Ego
Fay Kename
Actually, I take it back; Fay Kename would have been ten times better than Topsy Kretts. Seriously, it's like this movie took place in a comedy about a guy who somehow manages to make one of the worst movies on Earth on purpose.
Anyway, it turns out that the book's story mirrors a real-life murder that was committed in this small town where Carrey lives 13 years previously. Okay, so here's the big twist: It turns out that Carrey's character WAS THE AUTHOR OF THE BOOK ALL ALONG AND ALSO THE KILLER.
Apparently, he had killed his girlfriend - a college student who was sleeping with her professor who was framed for the murder and sent to prison. Carrey rented out a room at a motel and wrote the book in a frenzy - the final chapter, chapter 23 - was a full confession, which he scrawled all over the motel walls. He then fell out of the motel window and landed on his head, which conveniently gave him amnesia about the murder and all the events that lead up to it. A device so shitty, even the producers of One Life To Live would make the screenwriter go back and take another pass.
So he gets sent to a mental home and when he's released, he walks down the steps and meets his future wife. And then immediately developed further amnesia about even having stayed in a mental home.
Some questions about this movie:
* Really? He didn't say "Topsy Kretts" out loud for the first time and realize it might not be a real name?
* When Jim Carrey applied for the job of county dogcatcher, and the county did a background check on him, no one asked about his stay in a mental home?
* When Jim Carrey went to apply for a mortgage for his home, and they did an extensive background check to make sure he wasn't a risk, no one asked him about his stay in an asylum?
* keeping in mind that, in the flashbacks, he seemed to be too old for college and not working; his girlfriend who had cheated on him got murdered, and the creepy older drifter wasn't even a suspect?
* At one point, he goes to the local prison to confront the college professor, and they didn't know each other. The professor didn't recognize the boyfriend of the woman he'd been dating whose murder he'd been framed for?
* He scrawled a confession to murder on the walls of a motel room. And then jumped out of the window. The cops didn't read any of it? The motel manager didn't read any of it? Or at least ask for the money to wallpaper the room?
* What kind of amnesia not only wipes oout one specific memory, but also his memory of haing been in an asylum afterwards? Also, was this amnesia contagious, which would explain why his wife didn't remember meeting him as he walked down th steps out of the asylum?
* What does any of this have to do with the number 23?
Some easy jokes:
23 has to be the IQ of this movie's target audience.
This movie felt like it went on 23 hours.
23 is the age of the movie's target audience - in months.
Fuck this movie, it sucks.
